Home Latest Tales From The Top Drawer: The Best Dildos Of All Time 

Tales From The Top Drawer: The Best Dildos Of All Time 

Woman in black skirt showing adult toys
Woman in black skirt showing adult toys

Hey there, you sexy beasts! Today, we’re going on a ‘deep’ dive – yeah, you guessed it – into the cheeky world of dildos. And oh honey, not just any dildos. We’re talking about the best, the closest-to-the-real-thing, the ‘cream’ of the crop. 

If you’ve ever wandered down the bumpy road of pleasure toys, wondering which silicone soldier to recruit, you’ve come to the right place. So put on your explorer hats (or nothing at all), and let’s open that drawer of delight! 

From Pharaohs to Silicone: A Dildo History Lesson 

Alright, babes, gather round for a history lesson you definitely didn’t get in high school. We’re time-traveling from the Stone Age all the way up to the Silicone Age, and honey, it’s going to be a wild ride. 

Stone Age Seduction: Our Prehistoric Pals 

Picture this: your favorite vibrating piece of joy, but made of…wait for it…stone, bone, and good ol’ fashioned ivory. Who knew our cave-lady ancestors were such pioneers, eh? They were rockin’ and rollin’ way before we even had the wheel!

Greeks and Geese: Dildos in Ancient Cultures 

These cheeky folks were molding olisbos (that’s ‘dildo’ for those who flunked Ancient Greek) from bread and other grains. Breadsticks took on a whole new meaning, I tell ya! But it wasn’t just a matter of convenience. They believed that using organic materials kept things natural and harmonious with the body’s needs. 

Silicone Revolution: Modern Dildo Boom 

Thanks to progress and science, we now have silicone, glass, and plastic – basically, a Baskin Robbins of options to satisfy all your cravings. And that, my lovely pervs, is how we evolved from grinding on granite to the luxurious world of silicone satisfaction. Ain’t history sexy? 

Closest to the Real Thing: Doppelgängers of Desire 

Well, well, if it isn’t the stars of the show! If you’re lusting after something that feels so real you might need to have “the talk” afterward, you’re in the right place. These are the realistic dildos that have truly earned their stripes in the bedroom. 

Hankey’s Toys Cyrus King: As Real as It Gets 

Ladies, it’s time to meet the king of the bedroom jungle – the Hankey’s Toys Cyrus King. This titan of titillation could fool even the most seasoned of pleasure connoisseurs. The texture, the details, the glorious girth – it’s all uncannily realistic, as if Mr. King himself had lent his impressive assets to our cause. 

This beast is made from top-notch materials, meticulously crafted to replicate every glorious inch of Cyrus King’s majestic manhood. And those balls? Well, let’s just say they’re as mouthwateringly delightful as a perfect pair of truffles. 

The Showstopper: The RealCock 2 

The RealCock 2 is the Hollywood star of dildos: charming, bold, and sure to leave you breathless. It doesn’t just set the bar, it is the bar. 

Crafted from the most divine skin-like silicone, this bad boy makes the real deal feel like second best. And if that’s not enough, it’s got floating testicles, a feature that’s both innovative and indulgent. So, if you’re looking for a playmate that’s as close to the real deal as possible, look no further – your knight in shining silicone has arrived.

Big Shot Squirting: The One Who Knows How to Finish 

The Big Shot Squirting is not your average realistic dildo – oh no, it’s a performance artist with a grand finale that’ll leave you begging for an encore. With its ejaculating feature and a generous reservoir for your favorite ‘faux-spermination’ solution, it’s all 

about delivering the full monty. Its veiny texture? That’s just the icing on the cake, offering an extra dose of realism for your intimate playtime. 

Thrusting Into the Future: A Look at Thrusting Dildos 

Picture this: you’re laying back, relaxing, while your diligent pleasure tool is doing all the hard (and thrusting) work. Sounds like a dream, right? Well, welcome to the glorious world of thrusting dildos! 

1. Dr. Murphy: Your Prescription for Pleasure 

Now, Dr. Murphy is no ordinary thrill provider, oh no. This baby is made of top-tier, high-quality silicone that feels so good you’ll swear it’s giving you a physical examination. And with a whopping 50 unique settings, it’s like having a personalized joy buffet right at your fingertips. 

And did I mention the remote control? That’s right, you can switch between ‘Oh, that’s nice’ to ‘Oh my GOD’ faster than you can say ‘climax.’ 

2. Lifelike Lover Luxe Thrusting and Rotating Dildo: The Bedroom Multitasker 

Made from silky-smooth silicone, the Lifelike Lover Luxe is like the James Bond of dildos – classy, smooth, and always up for a good time. The suction cup is as strong as your coffee needs to be on a Monday morning, perfect for some hands-free fun. And yes, it’s harness-compatible too. Because sometimes, you just want to take the reins and ride into the sunset, right? 

3. Naked Addiction Dildo with Balls: The Sensual Workhorse 

This is a genuine stud with a strong work ethic. It’s fashioned from the smoothest silicone you’ve ever caressed, making it feel as real as your high school crush. The secret? A soft layer to make you swoon and a hard layer to get down to business. 

And those balls? They’re not just for show – they add a touch of realism that’ll have you biting your lip in delight.

Go On, Pick Your Pleasure! 

Picking your perfect dildo is as personal as choosing your favorite sex position – what gets one person going might leave another yawning. It’s all about knowing yourself and what tickles your… ahem… fancy. 

First things first, size. Think Goldilocks – not too big, not too small, but just right. And let’s not forget the features! Maybe you’re into the thrill of the thrust, or perhaps a bit of handiwork makes your toes curl. 

And hey, why limit yourself to one? As they say, variety is the spice of life, and darling, we’re here to spice things up, aren’t we? So, pick your pleasure and dive right in! 

Close the Drawer… For Now! 

Well, my curious creatures, we’ve reached the end of our pleasure tour. But remember, the adventure is only beginning. The drawer of delight is always open, ready for when the mood strikes. 

So, explore, experiment, and indulge because your pleasure is worth pursuing. Until next time, keep it sexy and sassy… and never settle for anything less than toe-curling, sheet-clenching, neighbor-waking ecstasy.

Photo Credit: Dainis Graveris from Sexual Alpha, Unsplash

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