.Yes, I’m an avid swiper on the notorious dating app, Tinder, because I am indeed looking for love. Throughout all of those who have received my respectful rejection, I’ve taken note of my contenders aka the Men of Tinder:
1. The Classic Bathroom Mirror Selfie
Stop it. Put the phone down…Back out of the bathroom.
Part 2: The public restroom~
2. The 12-Year-Old
You’re not foolin’ anyone with the fake age kid. Also, hide your virgin eyes!!
3. The Car Selfie
I thought only girls were guilty of this, but boy was I wrong. I get it though; the car has the best lighting.
4. The Dog Selfie
*Distract ladies from your unattractiveness with a selfie with the adorable puppy* Or you know, just post the puppy by itself. Somehow the cuteness overpowers your unfortunate features. Coincidental or intentional? Either way, well played.
5. The Car AND Dog Selfie
Best of both worlds.
6. The Carbon Copy
You literally just took the same selfie in three different locations. Work your best angle I guess?
Wait, where’d he go?
8. The “It’s My Cousin, Not My Kid, Chill”
I’m absolutely positive no one thought that it was your child, but thank you for the clarification.
9. The Group Pic
Fun drinking game: bets on which dude in the group is the actual tinder profile. Take a shot whether you guess right or wrong, because you should be drunk-Tindering anyway.
10. The Bio-Less Single Pic
Yes of course you only have one picture of yourself. Really. And no bio whatsoever. All I know about you, “Joe,” is your over pixelated and ambiguous facial features, that you’re 8 miles away, and you were active 14 minutes ago. ~mysterious
11. The Avatar Emoji
So I will increase my shallowness of using an app like this even more by judging you by only your name and possibly a bio. Nice. Evidently, this happens quite often.
12. The Headless Body Pic
Yup def gonna throw a right swipe to the ripped headless horseman over here. I don’t care how good your body is, if you’re leaving your face out, I’m gonna assume you have 2 noses.
13. The Mama’s Boy
To show you’re kindhearted, or your mom happened to be in a pic with you looking f i n e. Either way, cute.
14. The Gym Rat
Tinder near the Jersey Shore is an interesting and terrifying place, let me tell you.
15. The Gun Pic
Ow oww, nothing turns me on like a dude at a shooting range. (More like don’t kill me, please.)
16. The Dapper Young Fellow
No complaints here. I’m a sucker for any guy in a bow tie.
17. The Promotional Musician/Rapper
I really do hope you make it dude. Keep it up, but no, I probably won’t like your Facebook page.
18. The All-American
Decked out in USA gear with a beer in hand. My kind of guy. ‘Merica.
19. The Ex-Boyfriend
*literally that’s my ex boyfriend* You came on Tinder buddy, HA! Well, I guess I’m here too. But I’m not serious about this. I bet he is. Because he sucks.
20. The Model Shot/Posed Senior Pic
Uncomf. So much airbrushing.
21. The Questionable Alcoholic
Please drink responsibly, sir.
22. The Pimp
Surrounding himself with hot girls to make him seem better looking than he actually is. I see you.
23. The ?????
I don’t even know what’s going on here, goodbye. This includes but is not limited to: The Octopus, The Meme Cat, Elmo, The Fire Breather, Jesus, Woody, The Peanut Butter Firetruck, The Naked Guitarist, and EnV 2.
Along my journey, I’ve enjoyed some memorable bios:
- “If you ain’t Netflixin’, we ain’t Texin’”
- “Too weird too live, too rare too die.” (You should probably learn the difference between “too” and “to”)
- “Camp counselor by day/ cop by night”
- “I do a lot of push-ups”
- “Give me a holla if you’re trying to get chocolate syrup licked off every part of your body”
- “If you think your twerk game is better than mine, you’re wrong.”
- “I’m not some kind of prince and I’m not perfect and I don’t care how classy you dress yourself what I care about is how classy you are in between your ears!”
- “Greek.. Nothings worse than being bored.. i also love sushi”
- “Swipe right for pancakes and infinite bacon.”
- “I’m actually 13 not 22”
All in all, definitely guys to bring home to the parents. I wish you all the best; keep on Tindering fellas
All photos are actual Tinder screenshots.