Love is a battlefield. Always has been. From first date etiquette to soul mate drama, no matter what you do, a romantic clusterf*ck is going to track you down when you least expect it and rain all over your little love boat parade. But to the lovebird enthusiasts, fear not! Here is a little guidance from your intergalactic friends, the stars.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
In the words of Salt-N-Pepper, Oh baby, baby! Being the baby of the Zodiac, the Aries is your energetic vehicle to a spontaneous adventure. Dating an Aries girl is never a lackluster snooze. You, Aries, are actively pursuing road trips, music festivals, Sunday brunch and themed parties like other signs pursue romantic escapades. You’re naïve, self-involved (but like, in a cute way), little social butterflies. You quickly forget disputes and don’t hold a grudge, which is truly a small lottery for your partner. Therefore, you need an easygoing man who can match your speed, like Keanu Reeves in the movie Speed.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Our sweet little Taurus is an old fashion romantic angel-babe. You’re down to earth, supportive, and loyal like a hippie (without the braids or dietary restrictions). You’re an openly affectionate person, which is why you make the best girlfriends and wives. You tend to be a serial monogamist because of your desire for close bonds and adoration. Basically, you’re the modern girl-next-door with a romantic edge that people can’t get enough of.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Geminis are the original heartbreakers. Our Gems have flirty playgirl personalities that tend to keep admirers on a string. They’re fast-paced and don’t like the steadiness of relationships. Instead, Gems, you prefer the excitement that comes with new flings, which is why you never order the same thing at Chipotle. Because you’re the Zodiac sign of duality, you present a stimulating challenge for the right person. Your lively nature needs attention and novelty, but also space from others. Better yet, give NASA a call, see what’s up. (Get it? Ok, I’m done).
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Our beloved Cancer babes are very sensual beings coupled with a plethora of feels. Trust is the most important aspect of any relationship to you Cancers, which is why you actually do order the same thing from Chipotle every time. You’re an enchanting powerhouse blessing others with your warm aura. Desires for security may lead you to be marginally dependent in relationships. Totally understandable. Let’s cut to the chase, trust begins with you and that fresh prince of yours is a noble fella. Trust him.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Leo ladies are the center of attention. You’re a hoot to be around because your mega watt auras attract and inspire others and honestly, I’m in a glass cage of envy. But jealousy is your best friend too. Because since you’re used to being in the spotlight, you panic when it leaves you. But rest assured, because when a guy catches your attention, you’ll have no trouble making the first move, which is why you always get what you want. Go for hunky introvert types like Johnny Depp, sans the 80s pirate attire.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Virgo vixens are generally the laid-back, cool girls who guys always want. We saw them portrayed on the big screen like Penny Lane in Almost Famous or Mia Wallace in Pulp Fiction. Virgos, you don’t expect too much from others. You’re self-satisfying and less emotional than other signs, which is how your milkshake brings all the boys to the yard. But before you go and take all the awards, you Virgos are really bad at…fractions. So. Okay fine, you’re really on your love game, Virgo. Teach us your ways!
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Libras are deeply charismatic lassies, but only in a familiar environment. You, Libras, rest between sarcasm-heavy one-liners and a famously shy nature. You are generally relaxed and exude a cheerful essence that others find refreshing, but your coyness may hinder you from chatting up that cute new tech guy with a Henry Cavill jaw line. Even with a reserved disposition, you seem to attract charming and caring types who want to know more about you. Well, put that book down and hook him already, Bridget Jones, because you two would have attractive, model-worthy offspring!
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Scorpio, Scorpio, Scorpio. Known as the dark crusader, your passionate energy is always felt when you walk into a room. You’re a walking contradiction; open but mysterious. Your intensity can sometime be off-putting by others, making it hard for admirers to approach you. Those who are brave enough will be pleasantly surprised to realize you’re actually light, silly, and don’t cast spells on others. Except on those who deserve them. I mean, you’re not crazy. Seduce the man who’s the ultimate chill beau to balance your shit out.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Sagittarius, you’re literally insane. IDK, the cosmos don’t lie! Okay, that’s not fair. You’re no more insane than other signs but you’re just, you know, way more vocal about how you feel. But as a fellow small-town psycho-girlfriend, I feel you, girl. If something is bothering you, you speak up because you care about the relationship and want to stabilize it. We could all take a lesson from you, dear Sag, because you know you’re an amazing woman with a powerful voice. Like, you really slay those high notes in the shower and in the bedroom. Grab an equally vocal lad and you two might as well be the next T-Swift and Calvin ‘Adam’ Harris.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
You, Capricorns cuties, are incredibly selective because you can be. You expect a lot from others because you’re such gems yourselves. Elitism at its finest. But make no mistake, Caps don’t put up with unjust bullsh*t. You are under the firm belief that assh*les should pay an assh*le tax. Regardless, you make for exceptional mates because once you’ve found the right one, you spoil them. You are also quick to marry because you have always seen yourselves as brides, which make sense because you are definitely marriage material.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
You, Aquarius, are the epitome of Independent Women by Destiny’s Child. You’re never clingy or jealous, never demanding, and not overly emotional. You certainly aren’t donning your heart on your sleeve; it’s never been your style. Sleeves are so 90’s. You have a bit of Angelina Jolie Syndrome: hot but icy, which intimidates loitering male counterparts, but you don’t care because you know most of them are a waste of your time anyway. When you do find the Mr. Right who treats you like a lady, your relationship will progress slowly because you’re not swallowed up in Emotion (another great song by Destiny’s Child!). Bonus points if your name is Beyoncé, Kelly, or Michelle.
Pieces (February 19 – March 20)
Pisces, you’re a sensitive little babe, prone to more power-sobs and copies of Chicken Soup for The Soul than other Zodiac signs. You’re the most maternal and nurturing sign, always looking to please your partner. Sexual? Sure, why not. You make your beau feel like a man because of your need for a protector. Meeeow. You mesh well with guys who have a tough and rugged exterior, but who are also secretly bleeding hearts. Think Ryan Gosling in The Notebook, gentle and affectionate because you need to feel loved and needed. #BeStillMyHeart #EverythingNicholasSparks
So there you have it, a complete rundown on your shot at love according to the cosmos. I guess they really are more than just night-lights and things you wish upon. I mean I definitely wrote this. The stars were like “nah” when asked for commentary. But still, the previous statement stands true. Stars are rad.