A couple weeks ago my roommate received a text from one of our mutual guy friends about me. He was asking the typical this-is-about-to-get-awkward questions of, “Do you think I have a chance with her?” or “Is it worth it to try?” My heart instantly started racing as I prayed she gave him the answer I was hoping to hear, and well, she did. She told him I liked being single and didn’t want to date anyone.
She nailed it.
Being alone makes me happy. It makes me feel whole and raw. When I am alone, I feel things I didn’t know I was capable of feeling, including the depths of my own thoughts.
Sometimes I am almost happier when plans get cancelled because that way I don’t have socialize with people. On the weekend, I would rather stay in alone and write than go out with my friends. I would rather sit in my dimly light room with my five candles burning and white string lights plugged in than be in a dimly light bar. I’d rather listen to my Buddha waterfall on my corner side table making the comforting humming noise than listen to the sound of drunk people yelling.
I think I may be in love with being alone.
I don’t like dates. I find it uncomfortable getting to know someone on the cliché awkward dinner date. Hooking up with people on the weekends doesn’t interest me much. I would rather go to sleep in my own bed and wake up alone. I would rather not make small talk with someone who really has no intention of taking whatever “relationship” we have any further. I don’t want to spend the time getting to know someone I have no interest in.
I’m happier on my own.
This being said, I haven’t shut out the idea of love. I just don’t want it for me, not right now. I want to want someone, to love someone and to want to get to know someone. I love the idea of being in love. I love my friends who are happy in relationships and post such cute pictures you almost want to throw up looking at them. I’m truly happy for the people who have really, truly found their soul mates. The people who have found someone who makes their heart pound out of their chest when they see them. I love those relationships. I just don’t love it for me. Not yet anyways.
I have too much growing to do on my own terms. I still need to figure out who I am. I want to travel the world and spend time finding little remote coffee shops and writing. I want to keep my options open. I don’t want to try to force someone to love me who doesn’t, because forced love is not love. Love should be easy and fun; it should be the best feeling in the world.
Until that day comes, I’m going to enjoy the time I have to myself. I’m going to cherish the time I have to sit in silence with my thoughts and grow as an individual before I grow with someone else. Until then I’m going to be in love with being alone.