I have a perpetual problem where I enthusiastically agree to attend parties or events, and then on the day of, get cold feet. It’s not that I have commitment problems, or that I’m a flake. It’s just that I get burnt out and can’t get myself to get off my couch after a long day of work, or I overbooked myself one day, and it’s either I go to your son’s 4 month birthday party (also, why?) or I don’t finish my senior thesis.
And everyone knows that when you cancel day-of, there’s rarely a solid excuse behind your cancellation. Everyone knows you’re full of shit, and so is this list of excuses.
Sorry, I can’t make it to your (fill in the blank with whatever ridiculous event you’re being wrangled into) because:
1. I accidentally super glued my hand to my fridge, I can’t leave.
2. I’m waiting for my mom to call me back.
3. I ate 4 tubs of “I can’t believe it’s not butter” as a dare, and now I’m throwing up.
4. My mom hates you and says I can’t be friends with you anymore.
5. My dog needs cuddles.
6. I have to redo my Tinder profile.
7. I’m growing out my leg hair for a social experiment, and I have to stay home to carefully track its growth.
8. I hate your baby, Barbara.
9. I know the semester is almost over, but I haven’t done any French homework, and I have to learn the entire language tonight. Au revoir!
11. I’m being kidnapped and I have to get ahold of Liam Neeson.
12. My car broke down and all I have is my razor scooter.
13. I got my hand stuck inside a jar.
14. It’s my mom’s boyfriend’s daughter’s niece’s pet goldfish’s baby shower and I totally forgot that I already committed to that.
15. I just found out who Adele was and I’m not leaving my house for the next 24 hours, probably.
16. I’ve just experienced the death of my soul and I’d appreciate your respect during this difficult time.
17. I got a canker sore on the roof of my mouth and it hurts so bad I want to punch you.
18. I’ve fallen in love with an Australian Crocodile Hunter and I’m running away to be with him!
19. It’s toe-nail clipping day, and so I really don’t have any free time tonight.
These excuses are just as ridiculous as having a Justin Bieber birthday party (we’re not 14 anymore, please get your shit together, Carol). Bonus: if you use any of these excuses, you’ll stop getting invited to events in the future!
Featured Image via screengrab of Clueless.