No More Dad Bods: 9 Reasons Beer Bellies Will Never Be In

“Brooooooo,” he yells as he stumbles in from the street with a 30 rack on his shoulder.  “Whats up dude?” *cue the bro-hug* “Yo, you have a place I can put this?” He slams the beer in the fridge, only after handing out 15 or so to shotgun.

He’s probably wearing a Hawaiian shirt, paired with khaki shorts and boat shoes. At one point he was probably in decent shape, prior to the cheap beer and pizza he’s inhaled over the years. But, he doesn’t care.

You probably see him at the gym occasionally, lifting weights with his buddies (despite the 15 minute breaks in between sets). The gym isn’t a place to workout, the gym is a social palace for him, a place to remind himself about how ~*cool*~ he really is, and hopefully a place he can run into that smokeshow that he hooked up with last night.

He’s funny, but a complete mess. He’s lovable, but probably won’t love you back. He’s a good friend, but probably won’t text you the morning after a one night stand. He rocks what we have come to know as the Dad Bod.

The Dad Bod is a phenomenon that has exploded over the internet, and it has got everyone thinking, do I actually like the Dad Bod? For so long we have glorified the six pack ab-I-go-to-the-gym-every-day-and-eat-a-shit-ton-of-protein kind of body, but do we really prefer those types of guys or do we just like to pretend that they are our preference?

I have dated a dad-bod, and so have you. But, for all the dad-bods out there, this post is for you.

Please stop the “long live the dad-bod” movement, because I really can’t anymore. I can’t pretend to like the dad-bod because I’ve dated dad-bods. Girls don’t fall for guys with big biceps because they have big biceps, just like she isn’t falling for you because you can shotgun 6 beers in a row no problem.

I’ve read that dad-bods are fun-loving, successful, individuals who girls swoon over because dad-bod’s apparently scream “I’m the coolest dude out there.”  They have been described as “teddy bears,” as men who don’t care if “guac is extra,” and will pick pizza over the gym any day.

She isn’t falling for your body, bros. To most, a beer belly bulging over a pair of chinos with an unbuttoned Hawaiian screams “I’m probably not going to text you back the morning after we sleep together.” However, to me it screams, “I’d rather drink a 30 pack of cheap beer with my frat bros than go on a hike with you.”

While I love a pizza and beer night as much as the next bro, this lifestyle gets old pretty quickly. So, why do I hate the dad-bod movement? I’ll tell you.

1. I don’t want you to like pizza more than you like me.

2. I couldn’t care less how much you “don’t care,” about your body. I actually want you to care.

3. You’re not Leonardo DiCaprio, so that’s not even a valid argument.

4. If you have a “dad-bod” when you’re not actually a dad, what am I supposed to expect when you are actually a dad?

5. I find it far more attractive to have a boyfriend who can personal train me, not a boyfriend who can personally out-drink me.

6. The beer you drink tastes like watered down piss.

7. I don’t care if you’re like a “pillow,” I would rather hold my actual body pillow that isn’t covered with chest hair.

8. Ok, so maybe I’ll look better in a bathing suit than you do, but why is that a good thing? I’m confused. I don’t wish dad-bods upon all of my friends in my Instagram pictures, so I don’t want that for my boyfriend either.

9. While the media has been helping you get laid by covering why females should love dad bods, I’m being ridiculed by the media for not being a size 2.

I hate to be superficial, and stereotypes are something I try and steer clear from. But, are they always avoidable? When it comes to entering into serious relationship, I’m not going to notice if you have a one pack, a six pack, or a no pack. I’m not going to care how many “reps” you can do or your mileage time. To be honest, if you’re nice enough, I’m probably not even going to notice your dad-bod, but that doesn’t mean I’ll like it.

And plus, if you can have a dad-bod, why are females not allowed to have a “mom-bod”?

Featured image via totalfratmove.com

2 COMMENTS

  1. The last line of this is SO important — why should guys be placed on a social pedestal for letting their health slip and girls are criticized sooo harshly every day for not having a thigh gap…. Great perspective piece!

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