When we are children, we all have dreams, wishes, goals, and hope for what our future will look like. As a little girl, I would imagine where I would move to, what type of house I’d live in, who I would marry, what my wedding would look like, what career I would have, and so on. When we are children, we don’t know how many bad things there are in this world, or how scary and dangerous it can be.
I had a beautiful childhood for a while.
I had wonderful, loving parents and younger sisters that I absolutely adored. I spent most of my childhood growing up on a farm. Most would say it was a pretty average life, but it was perfect until it wasn’t. My life was abruptly changed on the day I became a victim of sexual assault.
I joined a fire science program offered by my high school, and for nearly a year, I was abused by the instructor every single day in some way. I will never forget the fear instilled in me. All those big dreams I once had were threatened daily, and I felt they were no longer possible. I was told no one would believe me if I came forward, no one would love me, he would ruin my career because he had connections, and my life and family would be threatened on most days.
I became such an angry girl, filled with pain. I was no longer myself, and the people around me began to notice.
After nearly a year, I finally came forward. I couldn’t take it anymore. I thought that when I came forward about the abuse, my life would go back to the way it was before. But I was mistaken. I was then left to navigate a broken legal system alone and in the dark for years. I was no longer being physically abused, but I felt like I was the one being punished and began to regret the help I got because those who were supposed to be helping me were failing, doubting, and questioning me.
I encountered months of abuse. I felt like my body and my mind were not mine. I didn’t feel safe or sane, and I had no idea who I was. I lost all trust. For a very long time, all I felt was pain, fear, and loneliness. I was alive but stopped living. Looking back now, I realize this is heartbreaking, and I wish I could go back and hug that girl. I lost so much of myself and years of memories during this time of my life.
Then one day, something in me changed.
I no longer wanted what he did to me to control me. I survived for a reason, and I wasn’t going to let my once-threatened life go to waste. I began to create new dreams and visions for the life I wanted after the abuse. I deserved to live a happy life filled with love.
I realized that others are enduring this horrific experience, and I will never forget how lonely and isolating it felt. No one was coming to rescue me, so I learned to do it myself. For so long, I wished I had someone who could understand some of the feelings I was experiencing.
I began to share my story as a survivor, and that life can be beautiful again.
After researching some questions and concerns I had as a survivor coming forward and seeking help, I quickly realized a lack of survivors’ rights existed in many states. I got to work and have made it my mission to ensure every survivor has the rights they deserve. I became the person I needed to be, and along the way, I realized how many other survivors needed someone, too. This became my new dream, goal, and hope.
I fought hard for the life I have now. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been worth it. I’ve learned that it’s okay to change your dreams and sometimes life leads you exactly where you’re supposed to be. The day I started living again was the day I began healing.
When someone dies, that’s it; their life is done. In cases like mine and those of many other survivors of sexual assault, survivors just stop living. They’re present, but no longer living as they once did. I’ve learned this loss of life is heartbreaking and shouldn’t be endured. To fellow survivors, know your life is worth living; you don’t deserve to lose more time to abuse. You survived, fought to be here, and deserve to live, dream, and heal.
Photo by Claudio Poggio on Unsplash
