Throughout our lives, we create our self-image. Who we are, what we say, and how we act shape the person we become. And naturally, the person we strive to be changes over time. We grow as we learn new lessons and unlearn old ones.
Life is about growth. But while we evolve, other people expect us to stay the same as we were before.
That’s when the tension starts in our relationships.
As I’ve grown, healed, and found myself, others still speak to a version of me that no longer exists. Instead of embracing who I am, they cling to who I was.
Maybe that version of myself was quieter, easier, less confident, and more accommodating. Maybe she didn’t speak up as often. Maybe she let others’ bad behavior slide more often than she should have. But she’s gone — and now, I stand in her place.
The person who once hurt me doesn’t like the person I’ve become, but they also haven’t tried to get to know this new version of me.
I’ve tried to reach out to them, but my calls go to voicemail. They leave my texts on “read.” I see them posting on social media and laughing with their new friends, and I realize that maybe I’ve held on to a version of our friendship that no longer exists.
This friend forgot birthdays. They skipped events that mattered to me because they always had something “better” to do. They said that they wanted to meet up, but never followed through. And when our friendship fell apart, they acted shocked. They seemed confused about why our bond no longer felt the same.
But the problem isn’t that I’ve changed too much. It’s that they never took the time to get to know who I am now.
They still talk to the ghost of the girl I used to be. She was soft-spoken and wanted to make everyone happy. She said “yes” to things that violated her boundaries because she didn’t know how to say “no.” My former self cared too much about being liked and not enough about being respected.
But that girl grew up.
She faced heartbreak and loss. She survived the kind of pain that forced her to rebuild herself from the ground up—and learned how to find peace and protect her heart.
I can’t pretend to be that girl just to make my former friend feel comfortable.
I understand that it’s hard to see someone you’ve known for years act differently. It’s jarring when a friendship dynamic shifts, and the person whom you thought you knew starts setting boundaries, speaking up, and making choices that don’t align with your expectations.
But that’s life. People change. And if you want to keep your friends in your life, you need to be willing to appreciate who they are now.
I’m not responsible for maintaining the version of me that exists in anyone else’s head.
And if being stronger, wiser, and more assertive with my energy makes me harder to love, then so be it.
I’d rather be “too much” for others than not protect myself.
If you’ve grown distant from me, then that’s OK. People often outgrow each other, and it doesn’t have to be an ugly separation. But please don’t act surprised when you no longer recognize the person whom I’ve become.
This version of me didn’t come easily. She fought for herself when no one else did. And I refuse to shrink back into an earlier version of myself just to make others feel comfortable.
I’m not responsible for being a version of myself who used to placate you.
I’m responsible for being who I am now. And if you don’t like her, it’s time to move on, too.
Featured image via Claudia Schmalz on Pexels
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