11 Years Later: My Rape ‘Anniversary’ Isn’t Something I Can Forget

I never anticipated having a rape “anniversary” day. But every year, around this time, my mind plays tricks on me and takes me back to that day. I can’t shake the memory of that classroom, your face, and the abuse that occurred. Even though 11 years have passed, it sometimes still feels like I’m trying to escape you.

For months, I survived the physical, emotional, and sexual abuse you inflicted on me. I also survived the questioning, court hearings, and private investigators you hired, as well as your early release from jail for “good behavior.” Your release happened to be on the anniversary of the first time you raped me–unfair to me, another reminder of how powerful you are. 

This year, the court may overturn your parole.  For years, I found comfort in knowing you were incarcerated and then on parole. But the thought of losing that security terrifies me. If they overturn your parole, will I stop receiving updates about you? Will you follow through on your threats and hurt me again? Will your life go back to how it was before? Or will you finish what you started, like you’ve shared with me previously?  Only time will tell.  

For months, you threatened my life. I don’t think I’ll ever overcome that fear. 

I have so many questions and concerns, and the few answers I get make me fear the unknown. They’ve told me that, since I left the state, I gave up my rights as a survivor. And they’ve yet to grant me an order of protection from you; the thought of you being free feels unimaginable. 

You changed my life forever. I’ll never go back to being the person I was before you. Your actions caused lasting harm, something you’ve never apologized for or shown remorse for. Instead, you continued to threaten and hurt me in new ways. Why do you get to move on while I’m still dealing with the trauma you inflicted? You can pretend like nothing happened, but the memories haunt me forever. 

I’ve fought so hard for myself, and I’m glad I’ve had the strength to continue fighting for myself,  that I’ve survived you. Even on the toughest days, thinking of what you did to me and how I overcame it all gives me the strength to keep going. Just like everything else I’ve battled since meeting you,  I’ll find the strength to overcome the possibility of your parole and anything else that you throw my way. 

This year, I’ll reflect and process the last eleven years. 

A lot has happened since my rape anniversary. Many things have changed. I am grateful to be here today and create the life you always said I would never have. It hasn’t always been easy, but it’s been worth it.

The pain and words you left me with became my biggest motivation. I didn’t know how strong I was until I survived you. While I’ll never understand why our paths crossed, why you raped me,  I believe I survived you for a reason. Even though you silenced me for so long, I  found my voice and shared my story. I hope to make the world a safer place and make others feel less alone.

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