I Don’t Feel Happy Or Sad, I’m Just Existing

When someone asks me how I’m doing, I reply with “I’m okay.” But the truth is that I’m not okay, and I don’t feel okay. I’m not even fine. I’m just ‘meh.’ Not blah, but ‘meh.’ I can’t identify a particular emotion no matter how hard I try. So instead, I’m just existing. 

I’m done with everything and everyone around me. I can’t form an opinion on anything; I’m indecisive, and I really can’t be bothered to engage with people. I just want to keep to myself and lay there with my lack of motivation in full throttle. 

Maybe I’m alone in how I’ve been feeling lately, but I doubt that. I’m sure I’m not the only one.

The most frustrating thing is that I can’t figure out why I feel this way. I’m just over everything. 

This momentary feeling — at least that’s what I thought it was — has begun to drag on. I’m scared of being in this funk, and I’m unsure how to get out of it. What’s more, I don’t have the energy to work on myself to break free. 

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed or anxious, but I’m also not joyful and excited about things. I’m just living, barely hanging on. I’m experiencing more and more days where I don’t care how they start or finish. I just go with the flow and can’t wait to be alone and do nothing.

Do I crave socialization? Absolutely. But after socializing, I’m extremely exhausted to the point I can barely keep my eyes open. I also find myself getting irritable for no reason. And no matter how badly I want to be hugged, I get irritated that someone is around.

I used to be the person who had every minute of every day planned with minimal breaks in between. I looked forward to going to work and having my routine, and I enjoyed treating myself. But now, I’m the total opposite. It’s scary to be emotionless, especially since I used to be so enthusiastic about life.

Maybe I’m experiencing a lack of fulfillment. Maybe it’s fear of the future. Or maybe I feel the continual disappointment in my life at the moment. Whatever it is, I’m just over it all, and I don’t care. 

I’m watching my friends thrive. One of them just bought a house and got a dog. Another lost 100 pounds. And yet another one just got a huge promotion. People around me are falling in love after years of being single. It’s great watching them succeed because I’ve seen them work so hard to achieve these goals. But I can’t even fake being happy for them even though deep down I am.

Should I accept that I can’t emotionalize everything right now? Should I seek help? Or should I even talk about it to someone despite the suspicion they’ll judge or not be able to relate? I can’t answer those questions. 

Maybe I’m at the stage of life where I have to accept that what’s done is done. Maybe I have to accept that I can’t change what’s happening, so there’s no use in obsessing over the things I can’t change. Hell, maybe I just need to accept the fact that it’s okay to be ‘meh.’

It’s important to remember that feeling ‘meh’ isn’t permanent. It’s temporary. I know things will change soon, and I’ll be back to my regular self in no time. I believe my fulfillment will return, and so will my happiness and vibrant personality. And I also hope for the same for anyone else currently feeling the same. It’s okay not to be unhappy, but it’s also okay not to be overjoyed. So if you feel ‘meh,’ embrace it and move on with your day.

Featured image via Vlada Karpovich on Pexels


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