I dreamt the other night that my kids told me my ex-husband, their father, was getting remarried and buying a million dollar home in Maui. I felt such resentment and jealousy that he was living on top of the world while I was still struggling as a single mom. Then I woke up, and those feelings were all too real. No amount of love could change that.
It was becoming apparent that my mind was spending way too much time on what was lacking in my life, dwelling on the unfairness of it all. I knew that focusing on the negative details of my past would lock me into a future I didn’t want.
Yes, I wanted the divorce. I could have decided to stay in my marriage where I felt financially secure, but that would have meant living without any emotional connection. I needed and deserved to feel heard, understood, appreciated, and acknowledged; to be looked in the eye by my husband, to feel cherished and adored. And I didn’t.
Yes, there have been times when I’ve wanted to scream that it’s not #*&/ fair! I worry that my vulnerability and fear will grow into a monster anchor keeping me immobile, or at the very least, from enjoying life.
“Above all, be the heroine of your life, not the victim.”
Most of us don’t realize how strong and capable we are. Too often we use our energy to fight against what is, instead of coming face to face with making it better. Once we can stop looking in the rear view mirror, we can start to take action toward beginning a new life.
Here are more lessons I learned along the way about what to stop doing—and what to start doing for a more fulfilling life post-divorce:
Stop worrying about the future.
Focus and be present each day and the future will unfold.
We’ve all heard that being grateful for what we have makes us feel better. Even more to the point, when you focus on and appreciate all that you have, you will receive more of what’s good in your life. What you focus on expands!
Don’t let your story define you
We need to tell our story to vent, seek advice, or get a hug; but be careful that “your story” doesn’t begin to define you. Share with a few chosen people, then label it ‘Past File’ and send to the archives.
Realize your feeling affect your actions
Think of ways to create positive feelings. This can be tough, it might seem impossible at times, but the energy that our feelings produce and emit into the world will create a boomerang effect. What we throw comes back to us.
Focus on what do you have
Yes, as opposed to what you don’t have, or don’t have anymore. You will receive more of what you want this way.
Step outside your comfort zone.
There is nothing wrong with comfort. However,at times it might be the one thing preventing you from proceeding ahead.
Realize that it’s all how you look at something
I recently asked my 102-year-old grandma how she has gotten through all that she has in her life, and she told me, “Attitude is important. It runs your life.”We have a choice as to how we see things. We can either look at a situation as an adventure, and view the possible rocky terrain as a way of becoming more adept at conquering challenges, or we can see it as an overwhelming burden. Either way, you will be right.
Your life can be what you want it to be depending on how you choose to think. The good news is you get to choose. So choose to be the heroine in your life.
Originally published on YourTango