We’ve been inseparable from the start. You filled the void within my heart; you made me feel whole again. Our connection felt so meaningful, like our love would last forever. But that love blinded me and slowly robbed me of the parts of myself I never wanted to lose.
Now, I feel completely reliant on you. You comfort me, provide for me, sustain me. Without you, I feel so afraid, so lonely. Yet when I’m with you, I feel so conflicted. I constantly remain on high alert, fearful of the moment that I awake the sleeping bear inside of you. But at the same time, I remain hopeful that someday I’ll make you happy enough to remove that veil of sadness and aggression that you currently hide underneath.
I’m starting to see that I’ll never make you happy though. In fact, the harder I try, the more I drive a wedge between us. And although everyone insists that I can proudly stand without you and I’ll feel like life is worth living again once we separate, I can’t shake the feeling that, deep down inside, I still need you.
But listening to my heart makes me realize that someday I will not need you.
Eventually I’ll learn to love myself instead of seeking constant validation from someone who doesn’t even deserve my love. I will stop longing for the approval you’ll never give and the unconditional love you’re incapable of providing. I’ll embrace the woman I’ve always been and the one I’m meant to be. She is worthy of so much more than her reflection in your eyes.
Someday I will learn how to stand on my own two feet as an independent woman who can hold her own. I’ll stop hiding in the shadow of a tough, overbearing man and allow my vibrant, unbridled spirit to run free. I will find my own natural stride instead of constantly pushing myself to match yours. I’ll stop wondering why I feel like a fraud or failure.
Eventually I’ll trust my gut instead of looking to you for confirmation. I will see my own intelligence and unique creative gifts and recognize their value, a value you rarely gave me credit for even when it was fully warranted. I’ll not only live but thrive and bask in the radiant light of my successes instead of merely zooming in on the shortcomings (as you often did).
I know that this will take time and effort. But when it’s all said and done, it will be worth it. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll miss you because despite the ways we’ve grown apart, you’ll always hold a very special place inside my heart. I’ll carry the fond memories of what we used to be while slowly discarding all the baggage I accumulated along the way. Love isn’t always a reason to stay, nor is what we had the only piece of me that makes life worth living – I must remember that.
It may not be tomorrow or even anytime this year, but I know that eventually this statement will somehow ring true: Someday I will not need you.
Previously Published on Thought Catalog