This is the time of year when my moods go into overdrive. I either have an abundance of joy or the complete opposite – extreme moodiness and depression.
This year I’ve been striving to do my best and to handle the moodiness in every way that I can. Some days it’s working and other days it seems impossible to keep myself under control.
This time of year used to be my grandmother’s favorite. She absolutely loved the holiday season. Her holiday spirit brought out the spirit in the rest of the family. Going to her house would be as if I was crossing into a wonderland. There would be trees, poinsettias, ornaments, and so much more all over her house.
Now that she’s passed, it’s harder to get into the spirit. I’ll do it because it helps my mother. From what I’ve experienced she struggles quite a bit to keep her head up during the month of December. That was also my grandmother’s birth month. This year, I’ve made it my goal to keep up the holiday cheer and get in the holiday spirit.
It’s gotten easier now that I’ve got a roommate that helps to cheer me up. She came with her young daughter – it’s much easier to get in the spirit when there’s a small child in the house that’s just as excited about Christmas as I want to be. My roommate and her daughter help to boost my spirits.
Yes, they’ve definitely helped my holiday spirit, but they’ve also helped my spirit in a general sense. They’ve helped with my struggles with anxiety and the depression that was looming over me. I felt as though I could never get out of that funk – but sometimes having a great friend really helps to pull through that.
My depression was being driven by loneliness – by the anxiety that’s lived inside me since a young age.
I don’t mind being alone, but loneliness is a completely different monster. In my mind, I know that if I were here on my own during this time of year, I would be in a much worse mindset than I am now. Most likely I would be drinking more regularly again. I’d be spending all of my time and money trying to take care of everyone instead of myself.
I’ve always been the type of person that will give more than I have if I think that it can help someone else out. This year, I have better friends and a better life than I was allowing myself to have last year. I now make an effort to surround myself with people that I love. I don’t have to wonder if they’re still going to be there for me even if I don’t have the money or if I can’t make it out to something.
During this holiday season, I’m less afraid to allow people into my life.
I’m less afraid of people, myself, reality, and everything in between. It took most of my life, but I finally have confidence in the people that I’ve chosen to surround myself with. I have confidence in my family, my relationship with my parents, my relationships with my friends.
This is the first holiday season in years that I’ve actually had a slight sense of confidence in myself. I’ve felt that it’s actually okay to care about myself and care about others. I know that I can thank my parents and I can thank myself for allowing me to feel the excitement of the holidays that I’ve denied myself for years.