I hate to admit it when I’m wrong, but I’m not going to lie. I must tell you, you were right this whole time. It took me a minute to realize, something I’ve been trying to hide. We weren’t good for each other, at least not your dark side. When we were good, we were great, but when we were bad, there was nowhere to hide. If only you took your pills and pushed the vodka aside, you would see we were good together, until the moment you took away my pride. The anger you took out on me I know was misplaced. I can see it now, knowing you put me in a different place. But back to the moment, I figured out you were right, this is something I won’t fight.
You were right, I didn’t know the real you.
I didn’t see it through those vodka infused eyes. I didn’t see it the night you almost pushed me through a wall and let your anger rage inside. I didn’t see it the night you showed up drunk and called me a bitch to my face. I didn’t see it the night you called me in a drunken slur telling me I would be single for the rest of my life if I didn’t come and see your face. You were right, I kept looking for the good in you those bad nights. I’m still looking for it now, even where you let the demons reside.
You were right, you’re not a good person.
But I stood by you, even when you didn’t ask about my life. Even when you didn’t take time to get to know me. Even when you didn’t care about my own strife. I listened to you call me a bitch and degrade my job. I listened as you pushed me over the edge to tears and made me think that this was all my fault. I listened as you told me that you were done and gave me no chance to fight. I listened all along, instead of walking away, because I knew I didn’t have the might. I never stopped listening, afraid of what you might do to yourself. I never stopped caring, until the moment you lied and forgot to stop thinking about someone other than yourself.
You were right, this wasn’t working.
You told me I was too needy. You didn’t know how to get to my house, so you told me how to get to yours every time. You told me that I needed to be a friend, even though I told you I needed more. You told me plans of the future, but never intended to follow through. You told me things of your past, and I did everything to be there for you. You told me of your problems, not caring about mine. Somehow, I became your therapist, yet you were still the one to change your mind.
You were right, this wasn’t healthy.
No one should be fighting for your attention as much as I was. I shouldn’t be begging for you to ask me questions or get to know me like a normal person does. I shouldn’t have had to tell you what I was looking for or find my own way out every night. Behind a door that was never willing to give me more or fighting back tears as I left in the dark of the night. I shouldn’t have to explain that cancer is scary and it is after my family, but if it involved too much of your time, you became leery.
You were right, the spark wasn’t there.
Because I couldn’t drop everything to give you time. I wouldn’t leave my job, walk away from my dog, give you all the attention that you needed or a reason to rhyme… I wasn’t the convenience you were looking for, and that made you feel depleted. I could take care of myself and didn’t always need you by my side. I didn’t make you a priority, if I couldn’t make you mine. You hated the fact that I questioned your decisions and that made you change your mind.
You were right, I am better than you.
Not because of our jobs or lifestyles. Not because of where we are in this point in our lives or where we grew up in time. It’s about the way I treat people and the way I give my piece of mind. You pushed me over the edge and hurt me worst of all, so for that I thank you. Because you were right. I’m better off without you after all.
Feature Image via @taramilktea via Instagram
Previously Published on Thought Catalog.