I’m too sensitive.
I cry too much. I give too much to people who give me nothing. It’s all true. It always has been. There was a time in my life when I would have died for people who didn’t care about me. There was a time in my life when I had absolutely no one. No one cared about what I was going through or how I was feeling. All anyone cared about was how I could benefit them. I thought giving everyone anything they wanted would get people to like me. It never worked.
Through all of this, I learned that no matter what you do for people, they don’t have to return your favors. No one has to do anything for you. No one has to help you. No one has to care. Sometimes, people will tell you that they do care, but their actions prove otherwise. Sometimes, people treat you in ways you don’t deserve just because they don’t care or don’t understand. I struggled with this for a long time, and because of that, I broke emotionally.
I didn’t know how to trust my feelings.
During high school, there was a point when everything was just a blur. I had no one at school and no one at home. I had no one. I struggled with all the pain from my parents’ abuse and neglect. I had to get through it alone. It damaged me in ways I can’t explain. It broke me, and I’m still not fully recovered from it.
After a while, I stopped letting it get to me. That is how I coped. I stopped feeling anything. It was better to not have any emotions than to try and sort through all the ones I was having all the time. Trying to stop feeling kept me from making some really bad decisions. But now, all I want to do is feel. I want to be happy and sad. I want to know how to handle my emotions. But the truth is that I don’t always have those emotions. I spent so long trying to push away my feelings that now, it’s hard to pull them back.
I want to be actively engaged with my emotions.
I want to be able to express them. I want to know what they are in-depth and without hesitation. I don’t want to feel broken anymore. I want to be able to follow my heart and know that what I feel in my heart is the right thing. I keep trying to fix my brokenness, but I’m not sure if it is something I can manage on my own.
For years, I felt as though I had something to prove, like I had to prove my existence. I needed to prove that I deserve to be alive and that my life has a purpose. I spent so long trying to fix others’ brokenness because I thought that was my purpose. I thought the only thing I was good for was making other people feel better about themselves. The truth is that I simply wasn’t ready to fix the brokenness in myself yet.
I always tried to love my parents. In turn, they broke me.
They took advantage of who I was and what I was trying to do for them. They took my innocence and put me through hell. They don’t realize how broken they left me. I am able to recognize that they gave me life, but in many ways, they almost took it. I gave them my best, but they gave me nothing in return. The two people who were supposed to care about me the most actually cared about me the least.
So, in turn, I went out searching. I went looking for someone who could bring me back. Someone who could teach me to feel again. Someone who could show me myself because I couldn’t find myself. I needed someone who would care about me and love me when I couldn’t love myself. I found that in God. I finally found the relationship I had always needed, and it was a love like no other. In God, I found myself, and there is nothing as beautiful as that.
I try my hardest to be open with my heart.
I work at being vulnerable with people. But, it is extremely difficult when you don’t know who you can trust. When you have been hurt as much as I have by people who are supposed to mean so much, it takes a lot to trust. To someone who is emotionally whole, trusting others after breaking is harder than may seem. I give it my all, but I still fall flat sometimes. I don’t like it, but it’s a part of who I am.
Nothing is scarier than giving your love to someone and trusting them not to break you.
I believe that is true for everyone. However, these feelings are more intense when you are emotionally broken and finally manage to have them.. Emotional brokenness makes the act of feeling worse. All I want is to love and be loved the way I used to before others broke me.