Despite The Pain You’ve Caused Me, You’re Still The Person I Turn To

There’s always that one person in life that you have a weird history with.

You might have been friends turned lovers, coworkers turned enemies, or you were all over the damn map with no exact title. That was the kind of person you were in my life.

You started out as a name and a face with a reputation I didn’t like. You miraculously turned into someone I had a lot in common with, someone I shared memories with by coincidence, and you turned into the love of my life. Then, somewhere along the line, you became my biggest cause of heartbreak.

And, despite all the pain you have caused in my life, you’re still the person I turn to.

I don’t know how I can still trust you when you’ve put me through so much. I know for certain that I can never trust you with my heart ever again. There is no way that I could ever date you and feel the same spark as before because my nerves would be skyrocketing. Sadly, I know your history, and I know I wouldn’t do well with it unless I saw a lot of change.

Despite the hardships, you’ve always been there for me when I needed someone.

Oddly enough, I can trust you with the most personal information about my life, and I’m confident that you won’t tell a soul. We’ve always had an undeniable trust in each other, and we’ve never had to hold back.

You know exactly how to comfort me when I need it. You know the right (and sometimes wrong) words to say. You know how to determine if I need you to just shut up and listen or if I need you to give advice or opinions. You know when I need to vent and what snack I should eat while sharing my problems. You know me on a deeper level that most other people don’t, and you discovered the deepest parts of me effortlessly.

I can count on you whenever I need to and know that I won’t always be disappointed. You’ve proven your loyalty over the years and have earned the same loyalty from me.

People will look at me and ask, “How could you allow someone like that in your life after he broke your heart?” I understand that it seems odd, and if I were also an outsider to our situation, I would ask them the same thing. The answer is easy. We were meant to be friends, not lovers, and I’m okay with that.

With that being said, I will never be able to trust you with my heart again. You destroyed every ounce of trust I had in you romantically, and there is nothing you could ever do to change that. You’ve done too much damage for me to ever fully repair,  and I don’t want to ever risk going through that again.

After all, is said and done, we’re able to maintain a wonderful friendship I wouldn’t trade for the world. I’ll continue to defend you in your absence, and I’ll continue to fight for our friendship, even if the world continues to judge us. Our friendship might seem out of the norm to most people and they may never understand how we function the way we do. But that’s not for them to get involved in. It’s always been about you and me, and that’s how it’ll always be.  

Featured image via Pexels


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