It seems like just when more stories come out expressing unimaginable sexual harassments/allegations, and we think they are done, a new story comes out. It hasn’t been since the initial predator, Harvey Weinstein, that we’ve had a different type of conversation regarding sexual misconduct until Aziz Ansari’s story came forward.
It’s a disturbing story from every angle. But the type of discussion it caused was just as unexpected as the allegations were.
I think the reason this story is so groundbreaking is because it’s showing us that the lack of discussion around consent and sexual misconduct. There is such a limited vocabulary and as much as we think people have common sense, they don’t.
Because of this story, it’s becoming more obvious in our society that there are several interpretations of what constitutes abuse and consent. Like with anything, our opinions are tearing us apart and because there is no generalization, people are failing to become educated on what these things should mean to us.
Unfortunately, in today’s society, the mentality that most men have is alarming. It’s as though the moment you say “hello.” you are giving them your consent for anything. Just because we agree to go on a date with them does not give them the right to physically do anything to us. There are boundaries that men simply don’t understand and clearly can’t understand. Their mentality is that they should automatically receive it.
When a woman says “no.” she means “no.”
Whether someone is asking for a nude picture and she says “no.” or they are physically engaging with each other and she says the same word, there is no difference. It immediately becomes non-consensual.
Some men try to guilt women into caving, or they complain until women give in so, they can shut them up. Sometimes women give up the fight, the fear of losing him and so men continue these actions or sometimes they bully women into doing things they want to. They’re being manipulated and forced.
Another huge problem behind this story with Aziz Ansari is because of the reaction to this story, it might mean that a lot of people are guilty of doing the same thing. And I can guarantee that a lot of men who were ‘innocent before’ will lose that innocence and be labelled a monster. On the flip side, more women are now reflecting on their past experiences and are realizing ‘hm, maybe I’ve been assaulted that time.’
So many women have encountered a similar experience and they find it extremely relatable. It’s paralyzing to endure, and sometimes no matter how hard we try to tell them no, guys just don’t get it. Women are often not socialized to verbalize things firmly and with anger, when we do, men do not receive it well. And men only become more defensive and forceful.
The conversation needs to change and the discussion needs to be how. We need to encourage a common understanding of how consent works. People need to vocalize their discomfort and express it in the moment. We also need to pick up on physical cues as well. When someone is tense and backed away as best as they can, it means they are not into it. Stop being selfish and continuing for your own pleasure.
Some might argue that sex is a natural part of progression in any relationship but that doesn’t mean you should avoid the conversation of what you’re ready for and what you’re uncomfortable with. It’s not a trial and error type of thing. Communicate things and start the trend for others to start doing the same, because without it we won’t see a change in the trend.
Feature image via Tyler Ross / CC BY
shut up THOT she caught the D and regretted it later…..