I went to Whole Foods for the very last time last Saturday. After being aggravated, pushed around, and bamboozled by the hellhole that is “Whole Foods,” I promptly decided to never return. The following reasons are why you should run away and never look back.
1. The People F*cking Suck And You Know It
In between Andrea, the devout gluten-and-sugar-free vegan for all of 18 minutes, and Rochelle, the anti-vaccine stay-at-home cat mom, the people f*cking blow chunks. Honestly, it’s not even worth having a nearby place to buy organic cacao powder if every decision I make for myself is questioned and lectured by people who assume they know better than anyone else. *eye roll*
2. You Aren’t Good Enough To Shop There, Anyway
You’ll never be there early enough to get a free sample of coffee from the new organic coffeehouse that just opened up downtown. You’ll never be nutritionally savvy enough to know the difference between white and black chia seeds (lol is there one?? i have no idea what i’m doing). You don’t even know what seiten is. Do you even remember where you parked your car?
4. Amazon Lied About Lower Prices
Yeah. I’m okay with saying that out loud. Amazon is a f*cking liar. I don’t know why people are so okay with spending $10.99 for chia seeds when they can hit up their regular grocery store at home and get some organic, fancy sh*t for $3.99. Riddle me that. If there is some reasons directed by the heavens for me to spend an absurd amount of cash to get the *literal exact same thing* elsewhere, I’d love to finally receive that message.
5. They Also Lied About Being Healthy, Too
Check the nutrition facts on the back of that wheat gluten bundle of bullsh*t before you actually buy it. It’s more than likely packed to the brim with sodium and devoid of healthy nutrients. Get real, guys. Sometimes the “healthy lifestyle” you think you’re living is actually, like, the worst possible f*cking thing you could do.
6. The Store Layouts Just Don’t Make Sense
First of all, if you’re going to charge me an arm and a leg for everything in the store, I expect the space to be much bigger than it ever is. And even with that space, the aisles are too damn small. Sometimes I feel like I’m trapped in a bad Black Mirror episode trying to find something so relatively easy. Why can’t those aisles be like half a foot wider?? And why can’t you just put all of the similar stuff next to each other? It doesn’t make any sense to run all over the world to find stuff.
7. Whole Foods Doesn’t Even Have Food I Want To Eat
If they are more than happy to sell their paying customers over processed, high sodium, borderline disgusting vegan meat replacements, they should be equally as happy to sell me Sweet Chili Doritos and if you think I’m wrong, you can f*ck off.
Whole Foods is the actual worst. In fact, it’s so awful that there are pages and pages of why people think Whole Foods is the actual worst when you Google it. I’m glad to see that we as a community are more comfortable in our knowledge of healthy eating that we can finally kick these guys to the curb. We can do better than this.
Featured Image via Unsplash