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I Thought I Couldn’t Survive Without You

I thought I couldn’t survive without you. We were so attached that our breaths were in sync & our hearts beat as one. I saw myself in you & you felt the same. We made a home together with a promise to one another. It all seemed to be perfect.

I never expected I would let you go.

I was certain we were meant to be.

After all, we only had one problem –

We were bad for each other.

Our relationship was kept a secret at first. It was best that way you said, so convincing that I couldn’t put together coherent doubt.  You proved to accept me at my worst, offering to help me become my best. I believed you wouldn’t leave every time I broke.

You were there every time I fell.

I felt so safe in your arms.

It didn’t dawn on me then that whenever I went down – you were the one who pushed.

It only took that one day I came home to see the messes we made. There wasn’t anything special about this day, except I was tired to the bone & you were nowhere to be found. Same old, same old. The clothes left scattered, the house unkept. The windows were closed for we didn’t ever dare to open those.

It looked so empty,

Yet so full,

With the wrong kind of love…

It was right there in sight. In the face down picture frames of happier times. Perfectly clear as I stared into the mirror. That love, it morphed and shifted until all I saw were the lies you wanted me to believe. There you were, tangling better days, in pretty dreams with promise after promise.

Regardless of my cries,

Or the pain in my heart…

You drowned me in sweet wine just so you could stay alive.

You would bring me to my knees desperate and alone, begging for the cure you always offered me. I reached out for help and asked to be set free. I didn’t want this… I couldn’t do this. But chaos and misery love the company they keep and they don’t care if it hurts. The truth was your love was toxic, an obsession, and it polluted my mind.

Each of your kisses was laced with poison,

Draining my life with the caress of your fingers,

& maybe I wouldn’t have noticed but thankfully I did…

You made me feel extraordinary as if this was my purpose. I fed on the isolation you created, craving that twisted comfort you always gave. Your favorite past time being riddles and games. Telling me, if I overcome this pain – would you still be by my side?

As if on cue, you would wrap your arms around,

Whispering a lullaby of sorries and change,

Only to stab me in the back & straight through to my heart.

I know our story now, & who you are.

Dear, Self Destruction, you taught me well.

You crafted the poison and became the antidote, so I couldn’t cling to life without you inside. And now I see you aren’t always an explosion of built up pain & rage. You can also be a subtle and calm descend. You tried to take my soul, oh you came close but I’ll tell you why you failed.

You pretend to care, act like a best friend

But self-destruction, you are no friend of mine.

You made one mistake,

I will not become my undoing.

I will fight each time you try to take control,

I will survive and I will be the one to thrive.

Featured image via Edgar Hernández on Unsplash



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