Which is a big turn-off.
“You’re too needy.”
“You expect too much.”
“Your expectations are too high.”
“Why are you acting like that?”
If you have ever dated, most likely you’ve been told at one point directly (or have been given an indirect message) that you are being “too needy”. It’s so hurtful, isn’t it?
In fear of our partner attaching this label to us, we become insecure and overly aware of our needs and we suppress them to avoid this label at all costs. We subconsciously overcompensate in the opposite way, denying most of our needs, in an attempt to project an “easygoing” personality in all scenarios.
“See, I’m not needy! I’m totally easy! Whatever you want!”
Unfortunately, as a direct causation, we lose our voice. We may end up resenting our partner in the future; and we definitely run the risk of not knowing how to relate to one another on a deep level, because we’ve built the relationship on partial truths and un-reassured insecurities.
This common dilemma is confusing and can cause a lot of turmoil for you and your relationship.
Here are 5 signs you’re too needy:
1. You find yourself picking petty arguments.
Petty arguments over laundry are rarely about the laundry itself. If you find yourself picking arguments over seemingly smaller issues, you may be subconsciously avoiding a bigger need that you have, but are suppressing.
2. You find yourself being sarcastic or passive-aggressive.
Our partner is smart enough to pick up on our energy and is able to identify when our sarcasm is intended to be funny and when it is intended to be passive-aggressive.
Under that sarcasm, you may find yourself feeling dismissed a lot. Being passive-aggressive may be intended to avoid conflict or feeling “needy”, but you may be creating more damage in your relationship in the long run.
3. You lose sight of yourself and what matters to you.
It’s important to remember that a relationship involves two people. A partnership requires mutual security and trust. If you find yourself losing sight of who you are in order to “keep your partner happy”, then you may find yourself in a bigger issue down the road. Resentment can build, hurt can feelings develop, and a void in yourself and your relationship can become really deep. This is not sustainable! You may be intending to avoid being “needy”, but by avoiding your needs now, you are actually going to become more “needy” in the future.
4. You find yourself highly anxious.
Not that anxiety is something to feel ashamed about, but our tendency to calm ourselves down can often translate to needing to be in control. We feel embarrassed when we are anxious and we often don’t rely on our partner to help us soothe ourselves.Instead, we attempt to correct the feeling ourselves (which may involve beating ourselves up) and this may lead to more insecurities or controlling tendencies as we process all that is happening. If we don’t ask for what we need from our partner to help us soothe, we may be misunderstood as needy or controlling, our partner may have the natural tendency to back away from you, rather than come closer.
Instead, we attempt to correct the feeling ourselves (which may involve beating ourselves up) and this may lead to more insecurities or controlling tendencies as we process all that is happening. If we don’t ask for what we need from our partner to help us soothe, we may be misunderstood as needy or controlling, our partner may have the natural tendency to back away from you, rather than come closer.
5. You find yourself going through your partner’s personal stuff.
Maybe you have an irrational fear of being cheated on, or you struggle with an “intuition” that something is going on behind your back. Maybe it’s real, maybe it’s not.
If you find yourself rummaging through your partner’s belongings without them knowing, this behavior is extremely needy and violating. This insecurity can be avoided if you asked your partner clarifying questions, asked for reassurance, or communicated how you were feeling calmly.
If you find yourself feeling uncomfortable with asking for what you need in your relationship, then you may be struggling with this insecurity. This fear if being labeled as “too needy” is limiting you from being heard and understood by your partner; it’s ultimately denying you the ability to feel reassured in your partnership.
You have the right to feel secure in your relationships and believe it or not, you and your partner have to work together in order to achieve mutual security. You’re not too needy because you want this!
However, even though you are not “too needy” for wanting security, you are responsible for how you express yourself. Your behavior and expression (or lack of expression) may be what’s “too needy” or “passive aggressive.” Does that make sense?
You have to take a risk and be vulnerable in these requests versus what we usually do and pick petty arguments about things to snag attention. We have to be transparent and de-escalated.
There is a huge difference between, “I may be acting irrational, but I really need some reassurance that you love me right now. I’m feeling insecure about that woman from your work” and “When are you coming home?! Why do you always talk about that woman from work?! I don’t get why you like her so much!” (This is usually followed up by passive-aggressive sighs and endless text messages).
Your partner will thank you and you will be surprised how different your partner hears, receives and responds to you if you take accountability for how you ask for what you need.
This version of requesting your needs are not “too needy”; they are normal and healthy. Conflict is normal and healthy, insecurities are normal and healthy. We are human. Suppressing them, or indirectly expressing them is not healthy.
You will always be perceived as “too needy” or too much if you choose to not express your fears and needs in a calm, vulnerable way.