What It’s Like To Understand Why You Picked Her

I know why you picked her.

She was the easier option. It’s that simple really. We would have been complicated and scary. Unpredictable really. But she was easy and simple. She was in the palm of your hand the whole time while I kept my distance trying to figure out what your end game was. Trying to figure out what it was that you really wanted.

She chased you, which means all you had to do was turn around and she was yours. She fought for you to be hers like you were a prize to be won. Like I was the player in the game that she needed to beat. And I guess this is where I apologize for not doing that. For not throwing myself at you and hoping you would have the decency to turn around and catch me.

Because the thing is, I learned a while ago that the love you have to beg on hands and knees for, isn’t the kind that I want. I learned that if you have to ask, beg or fight for someone’s attention then it’s not worth having. So I don’t want it. Or need it in my life actually. Love shouldn’t have a price. It shouldn’t have requirements. It shouldn’t have rules. It shouldn’t feel like a fucking game. So I dipped out.

Which meant you picked her. She won in the race that I decided to stop running in. She won you and I hope you are happy with her for the rest of your life, I really do. Because now I see that she needed you a lot more than I ever will. I didn’t need you in my life and obviously you didn’t need me in yours.That was the reality of our situation and you proved that to me by not making an effort to be in it.

Yes, I refuse to chase boys because I know what happens when they don’t ever turn around. I hit the ground and they are too far gone to even look back and notice me flat on my ass. And maybe that is my fatal flaw. Maybe I’ll never be happy because of it. Or maybe it just means that the people in my life are the ones who really want to be in it.

For you, it was that simple of a choice and I recognize that. I’ve done the same thing. I pick the boy who would make it easier for me to leave instead of the one I felt I couldn’t bare to lose. I picked the guy that meant nothing to me but was right there ready to be mine at a drop of a hat instead of the one I really wanted. Instead of the one I could have really loved. So it really is fine. We all make choices that we have to live with.

You made yours and I made mine.

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