You know what my favorite drink is? Anything with alcohol in it. You know what my favorite alcoholic drink is? Anything with pineapple in it. Mix those two together and you get a Tori full of bad decisions. The worst part about drinking, is knowing that you are bound to get yourself into trouble if you do a little too much of it. Whether it be in one of your relationships, a family thing, a text sent to the wrong person, and the list goes on. I would so much rather have been sober all the times I’ve had to deal with my problems. There’s a huge difference in the outcome of your decisions/situations when your head isn’t spinning like the earth’s axis and you’re not about to throw up eight shots of vodka.
Here are 8 normal situations and how we handle them sober vs. under the influence:
- Sober: I’m just gonna send him a quick hey, if he doesn’t respond it won’t be so bad.
- Drunk: I’M SO PISSED AT HIM FOR NOT RESPONDING. Like that is not okay, if you know how I’m feeling like why would you do this to me?
Situation: Losing your keys
- Sober: Let me calmly try to retrace my steps to remember where I put them.
- Drunk: ANOTHER SHOT OVER HERE PLEASE. DON’T WORRY, I’M NOT DRIVING HOME BECAUSE I CAN’T FIND MY KEYS.
- Sober: I’m honestly so happy I ordered this salad. What do you call these things, carrots? I feel so healthy already.
- Drunk: Listen, I can’t even comprehend anything you’re saying because I keep imagining your face as a giant Philly cheese steak. Hey, I know it’s 3AM but is the pizza place open now? … Suck my d*ck, lettuce.
Situation: Taking pictures
- Sober: Okay, everyone we’re doing a before party group picture. Gina you stand over there, place hand on hip, and Sara you have to kneel in the front with hands on lap-perfect!
- Drunk: Girl get over here quick! I need you to snap a pic of me destroying at the pong table. Ah crap it’s blurry! I’m totally gonna post it anyway. SELFIE, SELFIE, SELFIE.
Situation: Using a public restroom
- Sober: Make sure you squat. You can never be too sure how clean these seats are.
- Drunk: This is like, the most comfortable chair I’ve ever sat on, you know? It’s like, I could get used to living in a place like this.
- Sober: I refuse to hook up with anyone tonight, it’s just not the night for that.
- Drunk: BOYS, WHERE ARE YOU? I’M READY FOR YOU NOW.
Situation: Online shopping
- Sober: I came here to buy one thing and one thing only, some simple shower curtains for my new bathroom.
- Drunk: “FIVE EXOTIC BIRDS HAVE BEEN ADDED TO YOUR CART. READY TO CHECK OU- TEN COPIES OF THE MOVIE Dirty Dancing HAVE BEEN AD-”
Situation: Getting rid of exotic birds that you accidentally purchased
- Sober: Shit did I buy these while I was drunk last night?
- Drunk: I think you guys need another bird friend… Let me go get my debit card!
I can’t imagine a world where everyone was constantly drunk while having to deal with their problems. I can rattle off a couple (dozen) times where drunk me had to make an important decision which led to a surprised sober me the next morning. If that were always the case, there would be a lot of terrible decisions being made, and I think things would turn to sh*t real quick! I’m just glad I can (occasionally) keep my wits when I’m shwasty. Cheers to sober decisions!
Featured image via elaajerkovic