The one thing I dread, and I mean hide-my-face-in-shame-don’t-make-eye-contact-dread is when I go to the doctor’s for a checkup and get bombarded by her non-stop questions about my sex life. I know that it’s important for her to know, as sex and health go hand in hand, but since I’m not a doctor, I feel so much more uncomfortable answering them than she does asking them. It’s like I go in for a checkup and leave having spilled my entire personal life when it comes to my naughty bits. Not only that, but it’s like I’m almost too embarrassed to answer the questions the way I would answer them if my best friend had asked.
So, in the spirit of the hypothetical conversation with our doctor, here are 7 more realistic answers to our nosy doctor’s sex-related questions:
- How often are you having sex?
Every time I get drunk, which is like every weekend, and sometimes Thursdays. Basically all the time. Multiple times a day. Multiple partners a week.
- How’s your sex drive lately?
Ugh, I’m horny like alllllll the time. I watch Magic Mike multiple times a week just for the bods. Please, just take away my phone, I’ve just been swiping right for every guy on Tinder.
- How many sexual partners have you had?
Um…well there was that guy from the bar, the guy from the coffee shop, the guy from my physics class…that waiter at my favorite restaurant, the other guy from my physics class… So like…just a few that I can remember off the top of my head.
- When was the last time you engaged in sexual intercourse?
I went home with this guy from the frat party last night, oh man you should’ve seen his abs. And those biceps, oh my God. It was like he was straight out of an issue of Sports Illustrated. We did it on like every surface of his apartment.
- So, you’re using condoms along with your birth control, right?
I mean, I’m already controlling my risk of giving birth. I don’t want to ruin the fun by adding a synthetic balloon into the mix. Too much uncomfortable friction, c’mon.
- Do you engage in sexual activity with members of the same-sex?
Honestly, I can’t even keep track of who I make out with, because it happens with pretty much everyone. So, that is definitely a possibility.
- Have you felt any discomfort during sex lately?
No, but I was trying out some new positions the other day and now my legs really hurt, is there anything you can do about that? I also think I might’ve threw out my back during reverse cowgirl, is that possible?
Sex is fun, but it’s also known to have risky consequences. Doctors are here to help and they already know everyone does it, so between you and them you’re the only one who feels uncomfortable. Don’t let embarrassment keep you silent and put you in potentially dangerous health situations. As uncomfortable as you might feel, telling your doctor about your risky business keeps you in good health, so that you can keep having those wild Thursday nights!
Featured Image via Screengrab fro Scrubs