Let’s talk about sex baby…
I think we can all agree that we live in a patriarchal society, where males occupy positions of power and are able to influence social structures and determine how social phenomena is “supposed” to be. Into this discussion comes sex. Women often times fake their orgasms, and I think it’s important to unpack the relationship between sexism and why we feel uncomfortable demanding pleasure from sexual interaction. Coincidence? I think not.
Note: This article is specifically targeted towards heterosexual cis sex between two people. It’s important to note there are a wide array of sexual identities and a large amount of ways to have sex!
First, let’s unpack why we fake our orgasms. I will be the first to admit I’ve done this before, and not only was I left unsatisfied from my lack luster sexual encounter, I was also felt a little ashamed for being deceitful with my sex partner. Fun, right?
1. We are taught that sex is for male pleasure.
At a very young age, we are socialized to believe that sex is for male pleasure. Historically, it has been seen as taboo for a female to be sexual, and promiscuous women were considered deviant. The woman’s place was to cook, clean, reproduce, and give satisfaction to her man. This meant taking care of the cooking, being a nurturing shoulder for him to vent to after a long day of work, and opening our legs for his release after a stressful day. What an idea that females might enjoy sex. Well guess what? WE DO! We love feeling pleasure and somewhere over time we forgot that our pleasure matters too.
2. We are taught our bodies are for men.
Everywhere you look, women’s bodies are used for economic gain. In the film industry, music industry, entertainment industry etc. All of these narratives about how women should look are within a male dominated framework. Bullshit. At a very young age, were taught how to behave; to be polite, to be sweet, and to be accommodating. We are taught how to dress; to be feminine and alluring. Why? So boys will like us. This type of socialized mindset finds it’s way into the bedroom; and often times that leaves us caring more about their pleasure than our own. Unfortunately, our pleasure comes second as is seen as a “bonus”, but not a guarantee.
3. We are taught to be quiet.
I am so tired of being told to be quiet and polite to men when I don’t want to. Men take up so much space in our society and it leaves us feeling small and silenced. We are not taught to express our unhappiness to men and we are socialized to not create “conflict” in fear we might be seen as difficult…and we all know difficult is guy code for B*TCH. So we don’t express how we feel or what we want. Well, how does this affect the way we see ourselves in sexual interaction? How we negotiate and compromise our sexual pleasure? How we fall silent in expressing our desires? Why don’t we feel like we matter?
Ladies, we do matter. We are sexual beings and we are beautiful and we have desires and pleasures the same as men do. I don’t buy this idea that men are “inherently” more sexual than us (thanks Darwin), and that they need to get off even if we don’t. Even the way we have sex is embedded in patriarchy. How much do you get to determine between the sheets in regards to time, pace, or position? Who is making most of the decisions? How does this reflect the power dynamics we see in our everyday life?
Fuck your blue balls.
Fuck your evolutionary justifications.
I demand an orgasm.
We are having sex for mutual pleasure. Just because a female orgasm might not be as visible as a man’s, it doesn’t mean they don’t exist. Whether you are experiencing your first time, whether you want to share your body with someone you love, or whether you just want casual sex, whatever the situation may be; our pleasure matters too.