Can’t Feel My Face: 13 Thoughts You Have When Global Warming Fails You

Red alert, this is not a drill. Winter is upon us, guys. Being Canadian, winter is a big part of my life. Like, 5-6 months of my year can and often do include snow, ice, slush, and overall frigidness. Now, we’re having a mild winter this year, but we’ve already had temperatures below -14°C that felt like -24°C with windchill. Did I mention I live in one of the “warmer” provinces? However, I am a Canadian who hates the cold and I suffer hard during the winter season.

I know I’m not alone because who wouldn’t rather be sitting on a beach somewhere? There are 13 thoughts all cold-haters share when they have to brave the elements.

1. I just want to stay inside, in my bed, all day long. But I have to go to work. Do I need this job that badly? I really do need money. But is it worth it? Can I work it? Can I put my thing down, flip it, and reverse it? Ugh, I have to get up.


2. Why have we still not invented a sweater warm enough to literally give me a sunburn?


3. When will fashion decide that it’s socially acceptable to wear snowpants in daily adult life?


4. Is it possible for your bones to feel cold? Because my bones feel cold.


5. I should be living in California. Or Florida. I should not be living where the air hurts my face.


6. Now my lungs hurt from breathing in what I can only assume to be essentially invisible ice daggers.

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7. Is it possible to install furnaces outdoors or nah?


8. You know what I really need? One of those face masks that 12-year-old boys and criminals wear.


9. This is probably what it feels like to be Anna after she pissed Elsa off in Frozen

10. My skin is so dry I could sand wood with it. Look at my hand. It’s bleeding, again. Know why? I bent my fingers to pick up my coffee.


11. You what doesn’t help the cold? The fact that it’s seriously dark, ALL THE TIME. Can I at least get some sunlight with my environmental slushie?


12. If I fall in the snow, that’s it. I’m done. I’m going home.


13. Eh, at least I don’t have to shave my legs as often.


Winter sucks. I don’t care what anyone says. Snow is not magical, winter tires are not a fun investment, and unless you’re wealthy enough (with enough free time) to run off to Cancun the whole time, winter should not be your favorite season. Since it seems that being forced to leave home during the winter isn’t going to be made illegal anytime soon (and really, it totally should be) we will all just have to find some way to get through. That being said, strap in guys, this is only the beginning. Here’s to hoping for a mild winter 2016.

Featured Image via Parks and Recreation


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