Congratulations, you did it! You’re in college, the land of higher education accompanied by nights that are hard to remember. You’re part of the elite few, those daring enough to go into debt for a piece of paper that they pray will get them a job one day. Pat yourself on the back, because nobody else cares enough to do it for you.
But wait, you can’t just waltz in here and do whatever you want. Who the hell do you think you are? We have a reputation to uphold here. There are certain things required of you if you want to call yourself a college kid. And no, I’m not talking about grades. Grades are for over-achievers.
I’m talking about the things you absolutely must put on social media if you want to be considered a proper college kid. After all, in this day and age, if you don’t post about college, do you even go to college? Pretty sure MLK said that, shout-out to him.
I’m not sure if you’ve heard, but most people party in college. Now, people have different ideas of a real party. Frankly, I don’t care if you sneak a couple wine coolers in your dorm and share one with your roommate — you have no choice but to make your Snapchat story at least 50 seconds, preferably 100.
There are no excuses here, every college kid knows how important it is to let everyone know how totally awesome you are and how crazy last night was. There’s no point in going out and enjoying yourself if the whole world doesn’t know about it, silly.
On the other hand, if you decide those wine coolers were just too much for you last night, it’s totally acceptable to stay in on the weekend. There’s just one thing you’ve got to make sure you do. Find some parody account on Twitter and retweet a picture of an animal looking lazy (my personal favorite is that dog wrapped up in a blanket) with the caption “everyone’s going out and I’m just like” or “turn up.” Ha! That’ll give your followers a laugh. Man, you’re good at this.
Naps and Netflix
This is a big one, so I hope you’re up for the challenge. Contrary to popular belief, you’ll have free time in college. Most of us choose to fill a good chunk of this time watching Netflix or taking naps.
But here’s the curveball that the rookies always forget; you have to tweet about napping every single time the occasion arises. If you don’t, someone out there might not know how adorably lazy you are. And we can’t have that, now can we? Feel free to shake it up and mix in a couple other requirements. My suggestion would be to call naps “bae,” but I’m just old fashioned like that.
Sororities and Instagram
Whether you are a girl in a sorority participating in this or someone just affected by the clutter of sorority pictures on their news feed, this one is for you. Leaving home and going somewhere new can be scary, especially when you’re all by yourself. Some people choose to be brave, get out there, and meet new people. Others choose to buy their friends! But that’s probably not fair, I’m sure there’s much more to it than that. (Author’s Note: I do not think that, but I am guy, so maybe I don’t get it.)
So for those of you in sororities, one of the many requirements is that you post at least one million pictures, or as close as you can get, about how you are just head over heels in love with every single person in “insert sorority name,” and how you’ve finally found a home.
But you’re not done yet! Make sure you’ve got a couple pictures of that hand thing sororities have that look like gang signs. And last but not least, don’t forget your big. Of course, how could you, because they are now obligated to be your friend. Forever. I suggest you get one of you guys hugging with a caption talking about how you’ve known them for exactly 16 minutes but you can already tell you’re soulmates. Not because you’re told to like each other, but because you really, really do.
May whatever God you pray to have mercy on us, because finals week is the granddaddy of them all when it comes to social media activity. Most upperclassmen know to avoid twitter for the entire week. Your job is to fill everyone’s feed up with pictures of people crying, talking about how that’s “totally you right now.” Do whatever you can to make people think finals week is the equivalent to being held captive by that “Do you wanna play a game?,” guy from the Saw movies.
Some of you may ask, “Is it really that bad?” Well of course it’s not! But you sure as shit wouldn’t know that if you check in with your friends online. We have to keep up the illusion that finals week will completely ruin you, physically and mentally, or else it might seem like we aren’t working hard enough.
Well rookie, those are the most important things to remember when you get started at college. If you want to seem funny and cool, that’s definitely the way to do it. Don’t thank me, it’s all part of the job. If you have any other questions, just do exactly what everyone else is doing and they’ll probably accept you. Good luck!
Featured Image via NBC News