Fear isn’t something we should worry about because our fears tend to change as we get older. If I am being honest, we are all afraid of something. It can be spiders or something more deep like love or tragedy but either way everyone is scared of something. I have fear for one thing and one thing only: happiness.
I tend to be a person whose interests change – and I mean all the time – and then I don’t really know what to do when they change. But I do have a lot of perseverance and a strong work ethic. Although, when you can not stay in one place for various amounts of time those key attributes tend to fall to the ground and start to not matter. My problem is I know I don’t have to live a life that makes me unhappy but with my interests and thoughts changing so often, it is hard to be happy for anything if I am being completely honest.
I am lost all the time, and happiness tends to fall into the same category as air: needed but not always recognized.
I have dreams, and so many at that, which is a great thing but it also tears me down as a person. I would have loved to have a family. A house. A permanent job but I can’t. I can’t live like that and that is the scariest part of my life. I would love to be normal, although I am not.
I would love to be normal, but my happiness and excitement fades after an hour, a day, or a week. Either way it just completely turns into old news, as my achievements mean nothing now. It is quite sad but it is the complete truth. I know a lot of you are going to think “wow, this girl is crazy,” and yes I am; I am crazy because I am putting all my feeling out on paper and will be sharing it for the world to see. But am I really crazy for doing that? Isn’t that what authors do? Isn’t that the point in writing?
See, I am crazy, crazy enough to take one step forward and three steps back with everything I do. But then regret every move I make. Crazy enough to be thankful but not to be very thankful. Although I am one of the most thankful people I know. Crazy enough to be a writer. And hate writing sometimes. Crazy enough not to care about what others think of me. But secretly do care about what is going through their heads. Crazy enough not to care that I am crazy. But write about my fears and craziness.
And it’s fear that stops us from our dreams, isn’t it? Wrong, what we don’t realize is that fear makes us who we are. For example, I have fear of having a family – as I went through three different divorces as a child. I have a fear of being trapped, trapped in one town for the rest of my life – because that’s what happened to my parents. Fear of success because where I am from, my dreams are way too big and if I reach those I have officially gone crazy and won’t fit in with where I live now. Fear of being alone – although I like my space – because I don’t want to be lonely for any time period of my life.
And throughout these fears, you can understand what kind of person I am.
With what truly scares you – what makes you stay up all night – is really the pieces behind who you are. I am not going to turn this into one big positive storyline… all I wanted to say is that fear is normal and gets you to where you will one day be. I just hope my fears don’t become a reality. But maybe that is the true definition of fear. I wonder if fear is like a mirror and we’re the subject. That we will always fear what we see in ourselves. That we are more afraid of ourselves than we are of anything else. Maybe I should start fearing fear.
Featured Image via Unsplash.