For my entire life, I’ve dismissed my needs to accommodate others. Even when my friends’ and family’s “needs” are more like preferences and mine is a medical need, I go head over wheels to do things “their way.”
I‘ve always put myself last on the totem pole.
As soon as anyone states their needs, even if I shared mine first, I backtrack and tell the person I’ll do whatever they need. Unfortunately, though, I can’t fulfill every promise I make, and I hate that about myself.
Recently, though, I had a self-love epiphany.
A friend texted me, asking about scheduling a FaceTime call with me. I’m all for scheduling “friend time” — it’s a great way to make sure that we stay in touch. But because I always have medical appointments, infusions, injections, procedures, and tests, and all sorts of medical stuff scheduled, and my providers make that schedule a month at a time, I can never guarantee that I’ll be free.
I texted my friend back, saying that I’d try to keep the call with her, but that it’s easier for me to schedule closer to the date because I never know what I’ll be doing or how I’ll be feeling that day. My friend responded that due to her autism, it’s best for her to schedule “friend time” in advance.
I immediately felt honored that she shared her needs so openly with me, so I told her that I promised to make her date and time work.
Then I heard a little voice inside of me say, “You abandoned your needs again. What about what you need?”
I usually would let the issue go until the next time, when I’d say that I can’t commit that far in advance.
But instead, I felt a strong pull to tell the truth and not over-promise.
I texted my friend back and apologized for giving her false hope. I told her that I can’t schedule that far in advance because I don’t make my schedule, but that I’d keep that date and time if I can.
At this point, I haven’t heard back from my friend. Usually, I’d panic and promise to put her needs first.
Instead, I watched “Gilmore Girls,” folded laundry, snuggled with my dog, and forgot all about the text. I later wondered if my direct text had come across as “mean” to her, but I also acknowledged that this moment was a breakthrough for me. I love myself enough to not want to abandon my needs.
Self-love matters, especially when it involves keeping strong boundaries for your health. Loving yourself is the most important thing you can do, so I’m proud that after 35 years of giving into others’ needs, I finally stood up for mine.
Featured Photo by Dmitry Ganin on Unsplash.
This is such a raw and relatable piece. I really felt it when you mentioned putting yourself “last on the totem pole”—it’s a cycle that’s so hard to break, especially the guilt that comes from backtracking on your own needs just to accommodate others. Learning that choosing yourself isn’t a betrayal of others, but a necessity for your own well-being, is such a powerful realization.
I’ve been trying to practice this lately by carving out “me time” that I don’t cancel for anyone. Whether it’s reading or just unwinding with something like pokepath td, having those moments where I’m not “on call” for someone else has helped me stop making promises I can’t keep. Thank you for sharing your journey; it’s a great reminder that we can’t pour from an empty cup!
How do you balance someone else’s need for structure with your own unpredictable schedule without either side feeling strained—does something like suno flexibility even exist in real friendships?
I’m tempted to try a middle-ground approach here, maybe setting a tentative plan and confirming closer to the date—kind of a suno compromise that respects both unpredictability and the need for structure.
So one person needs flexibility and the other needs certainty—does a suno style compromise even exist where both people feel genuinely comfortable?
So one person needs flexibility and the other needs certainty—does a suno style compromise even exist where both people feel genuinely comfortable?
So one person needs flexibility and the other needs certainty—does a suno style compromise even exist where both people feel genuinel
I’m going to start catching myself in that exact moment and stick to at least one boundary, even if it feels uncomfortable—kind of a suno shift toward not overpromising everything.
Choosing “Gilmore Girls” and laundry over stress honestly feels like peak self-care—like a suno level upgrade from people-pleasing to peace-keeping.
I really enjoyed reading this article about When I Finally Chose Myself Instead Of Neglecting My Needs. It provided some great insights that I hadn’t considered before. Thanks for sharing!
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This really hit home. I struggle with the same thing, putting others first even when it hurts me. Thanks for sharing your experience, it helps to know I’m not alone.
This post really hit home for me. I’ve been working on setting boundaries too, and I find that quick thinking helps. Have you ever tried a reaction time test to sharpen your mind? It’s a fun way to practice being decisive.
This post really hit home for me. I’ve been working on setting boundaries too, and I find that quick thinking helps. Have you ever tried a reaction time test to sharpen your mind? It’s a fun way to practice being decisive.