Whenever I tell someone about my five-year, long-distance situationship, they laugh. They look at me like they’re waiting for a punchline. But my five-year situationship was a real, difficult part of my life.
In my early 20s, I was in an emotionally abusive relationship.
In my mid-20s, my big romance was an “almost relationship.” Then, in my late 20s and early 30s, I ended up in what we now call a situationship. Even though I vowed to never end up in that murky, gray area of the dating world again, I managed to find myself drowning in its depths.
What started as someone’s innocent compliment on my writing blossomed into a friendship and then into a romance. I didn’t intend to become romantically involved with this person, especially because we didn’t live in the same state. But we kept talking, and he kept pushing me, promising that he’d treat me better than any guy I’d ever dated. He made elaborate promises for our future and painted a picture of a world that I previously had never thought that I’d see.
Eventually, I was hooked on this man. I fell for him hard.
Four-and-a-half years after he made all of those promises, this guy still refused to officially define our relationship. He avoided me, essentially ghosting me for two months. To make matters worse, he found someone else right away.
I forced myself to start dating again, and I realized how little he gave and how much I settled. He was my best friend, but all we did was hurt each other.
Once I began dating again, I connected with new men who were eager to treat me well. They took me on dates, opened doors for me, and didn’t pretend that we weren’t together when we were in public.
Why had I waited for so long for someone to choose me?
Because my situationship kept making it seem like he would choose me.
What people who’ve never been in a situationship don’t realize is that false promises for the future fuel situationships. Just because someone won’t label your relationship doesn’t mean that the relationship won’t emotionally affect you. Situationships often carry the same emotional weight as a full relationship, but the lack of commitment can make you feel like you’re always doing something wrong.
If I were prettier, then maybe he’d want to be my boyfriend. If I agreed to have his children, then we’d get married. And if I became everything that he wanted me to be, then he would finally commit to me exclusively.
But if those are the conditions that you need to meet to have a relationship with someone, then that person isn’t the one for you. I now know that my person will accept me for who I am, and I’ll always be enough for them.
I learned that if I decide to give someone else my heart, then I deserve for them to give me theirs too.
If you’re in a situationship, know that you deserve a partner who will meet you where you are and not make you feel like you’re the reason that they can’t commit. If someone won’t commit to you, it’s because they simply don’t want to. But you aren’t a placeholder in someone else’s life. You deserve someone who is as ready to be with you as you are to be with them.
And if they aren’t? They’re not your person.
Pay attention not only to what potential partners tell you but also to how they act. Your situationship might make your future together sound beautiful, but what are they willing to do to build that future with you? Words are meaningless without action behind them.
Situationships can be painful. They can make you feel like you’re worthless and unlovable. They can make you believe that you’re not “good enough” for a full relationship. But that’s simply not true.
There’s someone out there who’s ready and willing to love you just as openly and deeply as you love them. When you leave your situationship, you allow yourself to find them.
Featured Photo by Nour Betar on Unsplash.
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