I’ve Always Been Bisexual, Even When I Didn’t Know It

The first time I heard the word “bisexual,” something clicked inside me. I didn’t know the word existed, but once I understood what it meant, things just made sense.

For the longest time, I pushed away those thoughts. External and internal biphobia were to blame for a lot of that, not to mention the lack of bi visibility growing up. I rarely saw bi characters on television, in films, or in any of the books I read. The most we had was Katy Perry’s “I Kissed A Girl,” which, among other problematic lyrics, paints bisexuality as a “trend,” something to do just for fun. No one I knew took it seriously, and this lack of acceptance made it even harder for me to accept myself.

But the moment I heard the word “bisexual,” the power of self-discovery changed my life. 

The word resonated with me, perfectly encapsulating my feelings. It was like finding a word that perfectly described how you’re feeling, a word you didn’t even know existed until you stumbled upon it in the dictionary. This discovery was a turning point in my life.

Growing up, I found women attractive, even if, at the time, I just attributed it to admiring women and thinking they were pretty. But looking back, the signs were there. I enjoyed using the #womencrushwednesday hashtag on Instagram to talk about all the gorgeous women I saw on screen, thinking no one would question it because, you know, a “woman crush” just means you admire another woman’s beauty, not that you’re attracted to her. 

But that wasn’t the case with me. In my case, it was attraction.

I distinctly remember a pivotal moment in my life. It was during my teenage years, after watching one of the “Transformers” films with my family. Megan Fox, the epitome of the male gaze, also managed to capture my attention. At first, I dismissed my attraction as a result of acknowledging her beauty, which men found irresistible. But when my brother expressed his lack of interest, I was left with serious questions I couldn’t ignore.

He may not have found her attractive, but I did. And what did that say about me?

I didn’t understand why I found her attractive, nor did other women. In my world, women dated and married men, and men dated and married women. Gay people didn’t exist, bi people didn’t exist, and forget about trans or nonbinary people–I didn’t even know about the gender spectrum as a teen, let alone sexuality. And, as someone who grew up not fearing what would happen if I came out in my household, I can only imagine how other queer kids felt growing up.

Words have power. They provide us with knowledge and help us understand ourselves and others. 

Indeed, we don’t always need labels, but for some people, labels are essential and helpful. For me, the bisexual label is helpful. It helped unlock something within me I didn’t know existed, something I pushed to the side because no one talked about it. It explained why I felt the way that I did. The word “bisexual” told me that I was normal, my feelings were normal, and that I wasn’t the only one who felt that way. 

Realizing my bisexuality was a journey of self-acceptance. It was a realization that I wasn’t abnormal, weird, or a freak. I was simply a person who happened to be attracted to more than one gender. My attraction to men, women, nonbinary, and gender nonconforming individuals doesn’t make me indecisive, a slut, or greedy. These are just harmful myths about bisexuality that I’ve had to confront and dispel.

Looking back, I think I’ve always been bi, even if I didn’t know it. I didn’t know there was a word for it, and even when I did, I had misconceptions about what it meant—misconceptions I’ve had to work through and untangle. I now feel comfortable using the label. I’m glad it exists because it helped me discover something about myself I didn’t know.

I’ve always been bisexual. And that’s something I’m proud to admit.

Photo by Mike Cox on Unsplash