How I Learned To Cope With Toxic Parenting

I grew up with a mother who could turn any mistake into my fault and every problem into a crisis I had to fix. For years, I thought this was normal—until I realized I was drowning in anxiety, guilt, and self-doubt.

I’ve lived most of my life under her constant blame. She often spoke poorly of me to relatives, painting me as stubborn, demanding, and ungrateful. Every family gathering felt like a quiet judgment day—I could feel their eyes, hear their comments, and sense the tension. It made me question everything. How could the people who brought me into this world make me feel so unwanted?

It wasn’t until I recognized the toxicity in my father, too, that I began to understand my mother’s deep unhappiness. Still, the emotional wounds stayed with me. Forgiveness didn’t come quickly. I carried the pain for years. But slowly, I found ways to live with her—until her last day—without losing myself completely.

These things helped me survive, cope, and eventually find peace.

1. Try to Accept Parental Behavior

Manipulative actions carried out by anyone are wrong. However, regardless of the manipulative actions that parents take, they will always be biological parents who must be respected. The first thing we must try to do is acknowledge and accept that parents are manipulative and do not want to change.

Thus, we become better able to prepare ourselves to face parents in the future, such as controlling our emotions so that we are not easily provoked into unnecessary anger. On the other hand, we can also learn not to do that to anyone because we know how it feels to be a victim of other people’s manipulation, especially our parents.

2. Act Normal

Manipulative parents do things to benefit or protect themselves. Sometimes, these methods provoke us to cause reactions, such as being upset, angry, or sad, and that is indeed their goal in carrying out manipulative actions.

For example, they have made a mistake instead of positioning themselves as victims and making us scapegoats. Try to act normally; there is no need to pay attention or respond.

You can comply with small requests without giving in to emotional manipulation. That way, we will eliminate the selfish nature in ourselves that parents have because we don’t care about the games they play.

3. Try to Face It Calmly

One effective way to handle manipulative behaviour from parents is to stay calm and composed. By keeping your focus and gently redirecting your attention, you can protect your peace while listening respectfully to what they say.

4. Say “I Don’t Know” When You Don’t Know

When parents make statements or questions that can trap us, we can answer “I don’t know” if we are hesitant or don’t know. They will also have difficulty manipulating us by showing that we are uninterested in their discussion.

5. No Need to Explain Ourselves Too Much

Sometimes, we also want to convey how we are and feel when our parents are manipulative. However, try to respond sufficiently. No matter how much we say, it can make our parents feel like we are fighting back or are fragile.

When manipulative parents can see our weak points, they can take advantage of this in the future to take advantage of us. However, if we show that we are not affected by our parents’ manipulative actions, they cannot find a gap that can make us even more stressed.

6. Take a Distance If Necessary

Continuously being with manipulative parents will undoubtedly be very tiring physically and mentally, and can even cause stress in children. Therefore, take some time for me by taking some distance from them for a while. We can use this time to talk to other family members, partners, or close friends to lessen our burden. We can also take personal time to be entirely alone to calm our minds and recharge our energy. This is important because we are not machines that can be forced to work continuously, so we need rest. Thus, we can be more assertive when facing our parents.

7. Trust Your Heart

We are the ones who understand ourselves best—our strengths and weaknesses. However, manipulative parents can cause us to doubt ourselves by pushing false narratives or opinions to serve their agenda. When parents see us losing our self-confidence, it can be a gap that makes us even more vulnerable. In this condition, the best way to deal with manipulative parents is to stick to the principles we have. This is because there is nothing wrong with listening to their opinions, but don’t let it shake what we already believe in.

8. No Need to Feel Guilty

Parents may become manipulative for many reasons, often rooted in their unresolved struggles, and it’s important to remember that this is not our fault. Setting healthy boundaries, taking space, or responding calmly doesn’t make us bad children. It simply means we’re doing our best to care for ourselves while still wishing the best for our parents. As long as we act with honesty and good intentions, there’s no reason to feel guilty.

Featured image via Liza Summer on Pexels