I Used To Put Others First, But Not Anymore

I’ve betrayed myself many times when I chose to stay in a toxic relationship or when I decided to leave a place so memorable to me. I stop caring when I let sadness ruin my favorite day and when I should have loved myself but instead I offered my whole life trying to please someone else.

I made plans just for someone to cancel it right away. I tried to make an effort to reach out only to be rejected in the end. I talked to people a lot of times yet I was misunderstood and judged. The world, which should be a wonderful place to create memories only made me more doubtful about others especially myself.

I hurt myself more when I left people because of too much fear. When I let my inferiority take my courage, when I gave up writing and poetry and when I let  love go. I became more distant after so many rejections and let me lose myself in the process of keeping up an already lost relationship.

I forgot about myself when I spent most of my days sleeping and crying on my pillows. I blamed myself for not getting my dream job.  I believed this time would be different. That this moment would never be about my regrets and doubts. This is me holding so many strings of hope in my hands. This is me waiting for others to grab it and live a life the way they want it to be. This is all about taking care of myself and loving myself more.

These days will be allotted to finally fill up the spaces with new places and people. It means turning more pages of discovery and adventures so I will never have to question my worth. My nights will be filled of watching my favorite movies and going out with my friends. My days will be all about going for a walk and visiting my long lost friends.

I can free myself from a person who does not know my worth. I can recreate a place and paint it with wonderful colors. I can choose happiness, even in little things. I can make every day my favorite day. I can heal myself through people and friends. I can write stories of hope and forgiveness, without any fear of being unappreciated. Because not everything about life will be about finding love from others but by loving yourself more than you could love anyone else.

It is never about my losses and failures because I know how to keep people close. I know when to be brave enough and how to be faithful to myself. I know when to guard and admit my feelings. I know when it is the time to fully move on or to keep on fighting. I know when to take the risk or when to give up. I know what is worthwhile and what is not.

I’ve learned that flowers grow even when they are crushed and stepped on. So I keep letting myself bloom in the most wonderful ways. I fix up my bed, grab more opportunities and accept what others may think of me with a certainty of believing in my own potential. I challenge myself by doing the things I fear the most. I accept my flaws without any second thoughts. I finally let myself be free from uncertainties and confusion.

We cannot live without love and we cannot say we recognize love when we do not know how to live well. The magic and the true purpose of loving ourselves can be discovered in recognizing our flaws and imperfections. We may not acknowledge how ourselves managed to conquer the hardest battles but in the end, we will be truly grateful and amazed on how we finally cope with the struggles. These things may be too little or too big, honed us to be better and stronger.

I guess I have found myself again. This time, I will never let it go and wander without knowing how to love my whole being before loving someone else. This is for myself and this does not mean I am being selfish.

Featured image by Timothy Paul Smith from Unsplash.


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