What It Really Takes To Find Love Nowadays


You want to know how to find love and be in a perfect relationship? Some things should just come naturally — or so you tell yourself.

Maybe it’s because you work so hard to be good at your profession. Maybe it’s because you spend so many years in school studying and stressing over exams. And maybe it’s because you don’t want to associate things that feel the best with “work.”

But the most worthwhile things in life all require effort, especially relationships. And, if you’re still single, that truth begs the question: are you putting in the time to land the perfect relationship?

How to find love and get the perfect relationship

I hate to throw cold water on your dream of meeting Mr. or Ms. Perfect when you both hail the same cab in Times Square. Not that Hollywood never imitates real life (and vice versa). But conditioning yourself to believe in the two-hour screen fantasy of “bumping into love” could leave you single longer than you want to be.

So what does it mean to be “putting in the time to land a relationship?” Is it just a matter of getting out there, hitting up happy hours, and having an online dating profile? Is it going on every blind date your friends set you up with? Or accepting dates from anyone who asks you out just so you don’t lock yourself into a “type?”

“Putting in the time” to get the perfect relationship is about how you schedule and use your time.

Finding true love is difficult. When you’re looking for an authentic and lasting relationship, you must be prepared to do long-lasting relationship work. And that takes a lot more than happy-hour cocktails.

With that in mind, are you really putting in the time to land the perfect relationship? Do you feel like your most authentic self? Are you confident in who you are, what you have to offer, and what you’re looking for in a partner? Are you clear on your values and non-negotiables?

Do you have communication skills and are you able to clearly articulate your vision for a lasting relationship? Are you willing to do the work the majority of singles aren’t willing to do so you can have what they don’t have?

This is the “you” that has to put in the time — strategically — to find the perfect relationship for you. 

When I begin working with a client, we dig deeper into that person’s life vision. What am I looking for?

I want to make sure my client truly knows themselves. I want to know (and I want them to know) that their vision aligns with who they are. I also want to make sure they are able to present themselves authentically, from online profile, to first date, to engagement.

Sound silly or unrealistic? 

Consider the studies that show why authenticity is the best dating strategy, especially for marriage-minded people wondering how to find love. 

People high in authenticity, for example, have more successful long-term relationship outcomes. They also score higher in emotional intelligence. So, if you’re used to playing hard-to-get, you may actually be making it hard to get what you say you want. My clients and I spend a lot of time clarifying their values and refining their standards.

If you’re going to put in the time for dating, especially with forever in mind, lead a goals-oriented and values-based search.

If you’re online dating, how would you rate your profile? Did you put a lot of time and effort into it? Do you think it does a good job of conveying who you are? Do you update it regularly, especially photos? 

Now, imagine how your profile would look and read if you were to do the personal work upfront. Yes, it’s time-consuming. But it’s an investment in your life.  

Searching for “the one” isn’t a process that will be successful if you just “go with the flow” and expect Mr. or Ms. Right to simply appear. And it’s not likely to be successful if you’re working 60 hours a week and are too tired or too short on time to date.

Dating for “forever” instead of “dating forever.”

It requires that you be on your A-game. Be prepared to give in relationship skills and commitment the very qualities you seek. It also requires your participation. You can’t sit back and watch TV every night of the week, hoping true love will come knocking and save you the effort.

Be out “in the game,” meeting people and practicing the relationship skills upon which you’re improving. And that means diversifying your outreach — social events, online dating, volunteer work, introductions from friends, etc.

It’s not easy to balance a full-time job with full-time dating plus other responsibilities you may have. Creating a strategy and scheduling your activities is a must.

When you put in the time upfront, this can save you valuable time (and prevent needless heartache) down the road. And it will definitely align you with the caliber of person who meets your criteria for a long-term relationship.

Landing the perfect relationship doesn’t have to be a game of hide-and-seek. Your plan should fit your needs and be fun when you’re thinking about how to find love. Isn’t it time to put in the right effort? 

Originally written by Amy Schoen on YourTango

Feature Imge by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.