We can’t always listen to our gut feelings. I know it sounds crazy because we’re constantly told that our gut is right. It might be true, but it’s not always possible to follow that instinct.
I recently went back to work after a 16-week maternity leave. Every day on my way home from work, I get a gut feeling that something is off and I need to quit my job.
Since I’m diagnosed with postpartum depression and anxiety, I know there are more complex issues than I realize. I know that to be true since the anxiety levels I experience in those moments are so much deeper than any I have ever had before.
I can’t quite put my finger on the cause behind this gut feeling that I need to stay home with my daughter. I know that if anything happened to her while I was away at work, I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself, but it doesn’t seem to be the reason. But the feeling is still there.
I know that leaving her with a sitter definitely isn’t the issue. The short periods that my daughter spends with the sitter don’t cause me anxiety. It is only when I am coming home from my job that it starts to act up.
I love my job. It provides a lot of great benefits and a paycheck that is necessary to stay afloat financially with my husband. My husband and I both work hard and have a decent financial situation considering the economy. But if one of us were to stop working, we would not be able to make it financially.
Becoming a work-from-home mom is not an option because it would require a stable internet connection, which I do not have. And it’s hard to change it.
So I am stuck with a gut feeling I cannot act upon. It drives me crazy.
Unfortunately, I don’t think there is a solution to my problem. I will continue to look for one every day, but until then, this feeling will continue to loom over my head like a grey rain cloud.
Could this be my postpartum anxiety? Absolutely. Could this be my everyday anxiety? The answer, again, is yes. This gut feeling just hasn’t been one I can shake, and only time will tell if it’s right or wrong. I just hope my child stays safe through it.
Experiencing a gut feeling you can’t act upon is something I don’t wish upon anyone. However, if it happens to you, just know you aren’t alone.
Photo by Brandon Atchison on Unsplash
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