This past summer, I met a guy who changed my life. I wasn’t looking for love, I wasn’t looking for anything — this was my time to work on myself. Determined to become who I wanted to be. I wanted to start writing again, get my grades up, start my blog, and become a healthier person.
But then I saw him.
After a few days of flirting, I decided to give up. He was recently out of a relationship, and I convinced myself that it wasn’t worth it. I decided to focus back on myself. But then, I woke up to him standing in my doorway asking me to go for a walk. This walk brought me so much comfort and ended with a swim in the lake where we couldn’t keep our hands off each other.
After this, one thing led to another and I felt more connected to him than anyone else in my entire life. The way he loved me was with purpose, pleasure, desire, and comfort. It was the perfect experience, but as many things do, it slowly got worse before it got better.
After that date, we talked for two weeks and had many great experiences; beach walks, dinner dates, ice cream dates, lots of sex, stargazing trips, hikes, and most importantly, deep conversations.
Shortly after this, I was served with the “I guess it’d be better off this way” text, and he was gone. For another two weeks, I texted him multiple times, cried a lot, and was extremely confused. What did I do to make this situation happen? At a low moment, I messaged him asking to go for a walk, and he agreed. During our walk, we chatted a lot, and before I knew it, I was hooked again. The only problem with this was that my heart was back in his hands. This guy absorbed my thoughts once again, and I couldn’t get enough of him.
Shortly after this interaction, I was leaving for a six-week trip, so we said our goodbyes. In his kindest tone, he begged me to see him when I got back. He made me promise that I’d see him upon my arrival and that I wouldn’t forget about him. As he was leaving my car, he asked me to get out and he hugged me while asking me never to let go. I still wish I hadn’t.
As you can imagine, I didn’t hear anything back from him once I returned from my trip. Once again, I landed in the heartache of despair and confusion. What did I do this time? Was I too much? After a long time, I finally answered this question, and it’s changed my life forever.
People are only able to meet you as far as they’ve met themselves.
Let that sink in for a moment.
I fell head over heels for this guy. He made me believe in love at first sight. But as he said on our reconnection walk, he was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t think he deserved any love. His past was filled with pain, depression and heartache. I tried to change that for him, but have recently learned that it is not my place.
As for you readers, I ask you to please remember to breathe and take the time with yourself. If you don’t, you’ll cause others around you a great deal of pain. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about him, and truthfully, I would love to know what happened. But now I realize that it’s not the most important part; I just wish I knew how he’s doing.
Photo by Hannah Reding on Unsplash
