11 Signs That Sex With Your Partner May Be Too Vanilla For You

Not being on the same page as your partner sexually can really affect your relationship. Sometimes – even if you had really strong feelings for someone – you lose interest the moment you have the boring vanilla sex with them and realize you aren’t sexually compatible. Even if you aren’t into particularly kinky sex, this has probably happened to you. 

Being on two different pages sexually can really make for some awkward sexual encounters and painful conversations. However, it’s not hopeless. By identifying the key issues you have or highlighting what you wish to expand on, you can work on getting better results. 

But if you aren’t sure if the sex with your partner is too vanilla for you, read this list and see if you can relate. 

1. You’re sick of the basic positions like missionary or doggy style.

After a while with no variation, it gets old. You’re sick of only doing it in the same positions and wish to expand to a few more.

2. There’s minimal foreplay.

If it happens at all, it’s only pleasing to one person or it’s the same routine every single time. There’s nothing fun about that.

3. You want to use toys and they refuse.

Sure, it’s not everybody’s thing. But using props like a blindfold or handcuffs are subtle ways to expand your kinks. You didn’t even ask to use a vibrator or cock ring, but they still refuse. 

4. Sex is predictable.

Not only can you guess the position or how they’ll initiate sex, but you can also predict where they’ll kiss you. You need spontaneity and something completely different to throw you off guard. 

5. Hands are not used enough.

Whether he doesn’t pin your wrists down, spank you, rub your clit, or choke you, or she doesn’t rub you, play with you, or scratch you — hands need to be used. And it’s boring when they aren’t.

6. Sex isn’t like your fantasies.

Obviously it’ll never be identical, but in your mind, things are rough, passionate, and romantic. In reality, however, it’s the same old thing with little oomf to keep things spicy – let alone an effort to accomplish your fantasies. 

7. You don’t sext as often as you’d like to.

You never receive nudes and when you send them they often go unappreciated or barely acknowledged. You want a little bit of teasing or dirty talk but don’t feel like you can achieve that with your partner because they never seem interested.

8. You don’t enjoy oral anymore.

I know it’s hard to believe, but when it’s the same methods every time, it doesn’t feel any better. You need a variety of new moves or something else to make it different than every other time before.

9. You wish there was more noise.

It’s awkward as hell having sex in silence. Plus, it makes you feel like you have to hold back when they aren’t making noises and you want to. After all, you want to hear them grunt, moan or tell you how good it feels. Without noise, you have no clue where they’re at.

10. You need to be a little more turned on.

Sure, eye candy is nice, but you want dirty talk or to feel their hands pull your hair a bit. You need all senses to be alert and pleased. Instead, you just feel like you’re missing that sexual charge.

11. You’d rather masturbate than have sex.

It sounds crazy, but when you aren’t that satisfied in the bedroom with your partner, it almost feels like you have no choice. You’d rather watch porn and get the feeling of interaction while you please yourself.

Obviously no one wants to always be the one initiating conversations about improving your vanilla sex life – or be the one to open up about being dissatisfied. It can be embarrassing and very hurtful if it’s not received well. But if you found yourself identifying with more than half of these points, you may want to toy with the idea of asking your partner to spice things up to help improve your sex life and make it less vanilla. It’s vital you ensure you both are pleased.

Photo by Sabina Tone on Unsplash


  1. So, is it bad to be 100% Vanilla, and never ever have anything to do with BDSM, kinks, and fetishes, or even trying them then?

    Is there other people like me left, or has BDSM taken over the world, and converted everyone, forcing me to either choose between converting myself, or staying single for the rest of my life?

    I am 100% Vanilla, and have no interests, or desires whatsoever in BDSM, or Kink in any way, shape, or form. Never have, never will in a million years.

    I have below zero pain tolerance, and will only ever avoid it every chance I get no matter what anyone else says, or thinks, being the fact that people have told me that if there’s no pain involved, it’s not authentic BDSM, and that it’s just wimps wanting to have the status of being edgy, cool, and mysterious, etc.

    I also don’t like inflicting it, or seeing others in pain either even if I know they consented to it and are enjoying it. It still has the effect on me as if I’m the one who’s receiving it.

    I don’t like Breath Play at all period, and I don’t like having my neck touched by anyone, or anything at all ever, no exceptions.

    I also don’t like fear, or humiliation, degradation, or cruelty, and meanness either.

    I don’t like being bound because I’m Claustrophobic.

    Is there any people out there like me who are authentically 100% Vanilla like me, not because of conditioning, shame, or guilt, but because we are just that way naturally?

    Where do I find one like that, and how do I make 100% certain that I end up with someone who IS 100% Vanilla like myself who will never ever desire anything Kinky?

    Just so you know, I am also content with being limited, and like simplicity, peace, calm, and quiet with not a lot of activity, or stimulation going on, and I am a HUGE Home Body. I also like my actual Ice Cream the same as my sex: Just plain Vanilla, and that’s it.

    I also am not very sexual either, and don’t take a lot of interest in sex, sexuality, or sexual things, or activities much if at all either. I’m not ASexual though.

    I like what others would consider Mediocre.
    Is all of that really so wrong, or bad that I should feel the need to fix, or change about myself?

    And also, is it selfish if I break up with a partner for not being 100% Vanilla like me? I ONLY want partners with NO kinks, or fetishes? Is that okay?

    The more sex articles I read online, the more, and more anxiety, depressed, and inadequate I feel. Like, there’s no one out there who is compatible with me exactly as I am.

    • Reading you is like seeing me 5 years ago.

      No, it is not weird nor a problems being “vanilla”, noone should be forced to become a kinky or bdsm person: either you like that or not, the rest is pure brainwashing.

      On another page : i don”t know how old are you, but let me ashure you that sometimes our view in sex can change a lot as time pases (or culture/society changes abruptly), maybe in some years you will like some more things, maybe not: AND THAT IS ALRIGHT.

      about the rest:

      Well, you only trully know people totally when you go out whit them for a long time, that is specially true whit woman, because they don”t tend to like to show who they truly are since the beginning, they show it bit by bit.

      So the only way is to try, be sincere and clear about your wants and don”ts.

      About not being too sexual or focused in it: that is not wrong, you are free to be as you want and in no way that is abnormal, BUT, women this days are obsesed whit sex, the option is to seek a more conservative or serious kind of woman and seting things clear.

      Yet: you must know that being in a relationship also means that you need to sacrifice somethings (same as your partner should) and get a common ground.

      finally about sex articles: they are often writed by sex obsesed, kinky or relativist people that consider anithing normal (exept being normal), you must not pay so much worry to them , less in this age we live in wich anithing changes on the second, people are confused and fear to say or hear the true or face their coping mechanism…there are a lot of people that use sex as stress reliever and that is exactly the problem: when they don”t get what they want, they get like kids: mad, sad, anxious,etc , because they ended thinking like adicts ” i don”t need to solve the problems, i can run from them, noone should judge me”.
      A majority of sex articles are not even about biology, psycology or any kind of scientific aproach, they are just trending, opinions or biased statistics, so that just explains you which kind of atention you should give them: NOT TOO MUCH.

      If you want girls and woman a bit more normal (or less brainwashed by the “porn, kinky sex and bdsm”) you should look less in th ebig city and more in the smaller or even look in latin american countrys: people are not so infected whit the first world sexual trend in general.

      On the other side: it is a hard time to be alive and be yourself, expect problems when you are diferent from the “new rules”: either comply to them or disent proudly.

      Well this maybe was long, if it helps you i will be happy, because i was there when i was younger, and sometimes even today, it is not about being inadequate, it is just how modern society works today (tomorrow it can work diferent, it always been like that).

      good luck.

  2. Well, this was a bit poorly.

    It is more the “kinky sexual obsesed pov” than a woman way to better sex.

    Woman today are too obsesed whit sex (even more than we man) and think things the wrong way: it is not always ” he sould be more sexual/ less vanilla” but more ” maybe im using sex as a stress reliever too much?”.

    Sex is good, sex is needed in a copule, BUT (and that is a big “but”) more often than not we lose the sight of the important: the love.

    If sex is all in wich you think and a bit lees quantity or quality shakes your relationship value like this: then the relationship is not really going well.

    Now i get the “i can feel/do/ think what i want a no man has a say” , but let”s keep the ignorance dressed in empowerment at a side for a bit:

    Life is not about sex, love is not about sex either: it is a part of it, nothing more and nothing less. You can always try to find a “sexually compatible partner” (same as seeking a person that thinks just like you) , but on the end if you place to much value in sex, your love life will not get better (or endure the test of time) even if you find the sexually compatible partner.

    It”s more about enjoining life together than having sex together


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