It has been 38 days since the last time you held me in your arms.
The last hug was bitter and painful. It was the day when we both agreed that our time together had run out. It was the day when both realized that life had different plans for us and we needed to part ways.
Today, I grabbed my phone and scrolled through my contacts until I found your name. I knew I shouldn’t text you, but I had a burning desire to feel your presence and to hold you one more time. Then, I found the courage to send a text that said: “Hey, I hope you are doing well. I was wondering if you wanted to grab some coffee with me this evening.” And I didn’t know if you would respond, but I told myself I would be okay even if you didn’t.
I got a text notification at 10:45 am. It was you. The message said: “Hey there, I am doing well, and sure let’s do 7:45 this evening at our spot.” So I simply replied, “That works for me, I will see you then.”
That evening at 7:30 pm, I arrived at our favorite coffee shop. I wanted to be there early, so I could emotionally prepare myself to see you. A rush of conflicting emotions ran through my body that I needed to control.
But nothing could fully prepare me for that moment.
You arrived a minute late. You explained yourself saying that you hit some traffic on your way. I simply smiled and told you it was okay. We talked for a few hours about what has been going on in our lives since the last time we saw each other. Hours passed, and it got late. The time was 9:50 PM.
You said, “If you aren’t doing anything tonight, do you want to continue our conversation at my place?” Without hesitation, I agreed. I said, “Yes, of course.”
Once we arrived at your place, it didn’t take us long to find our way into your bedroom and then onto your bed. There was peaceful silence surrounding us right after. But inside our bodies, there were waves clashing. Waves full of emotions trying to escape to the surface. They were as strong as the rain pouring down outside.
As the moonlight crawled in through the blinds and played upon your skin, I remembered those nights when we practiced love between those sheets. I could feel strong vibrations within my heart, and I wasn’t even touching you. With intense longing surging through me, I moved closer to fill in the empty space between us.
I looked at you and whispered, “Even though I know it’s over, just hold me one more time.”
Nothing we could have said or done could change the fact that we were not meant to be together. However, I wanted you to hold me close to your body, wrap your arms around me, and let my mind wander to the place where we could be together. To that perfect place where the first thing we would see every morning is each other’s sleepy faces. We would get up and cook breakfast together on the weekends. Over the years, we would both grow older and wiser, and every day we would also grow new gray hairs. We would be together until death do us part. Only until we would reunite again in the afterlife.
I want to be in your arms one more time and fully enjoy this moment. More than anything, I want to fall asleep on your chest and forget about my worries. I don’t know what the future holds for both us, but I do know that your future does not include me. We are just two souls that were meant to cross each other’s paths in this life, but destiny calls us to follow a different path. Separately.
Even though I know it’s over, I am glad that you entered my life. You gave me hope, you gave me love, you played your part in my life, but now I must let you go.
Tomorrow, I will walk out that door. But tonight, just hold me one more time.
I want to feel your warmth. In this moment, I want to feel you. I want to be close to you. Yes, I know that we can’t change our fate. But all I care about right now is that you’re here next to me. I am here with you, and in this fragile yet peaceful moment, that’s enough for me.
Though your heart is not mine to keep, hold me close so I can hear your heartbeat. I want to feel its rhythm and hear its sweet melody. It reminds me of how your heart used to beat for me.
Hold me close so I can feel your touch. I want to feel your soft skin and breathe in its sweet scent. Your skin used to be hungry for me.
Hold me close so I can forget for a moment that you are no longer mine. I want to capture the memory of this night within the vault of my mind, where all my deepest secrets and fondest memories linger.
Hold me close so I can hear your soul’s voice. Does it still call out my name? How much does it miss me? Does it ache for me just as mine does?
Just hold me one more time.
When tomorrow comes, we will go our own separate paths. I’ll head west and you’ll head east. I still don’t know how I’ll heal my aching heart after I give you one last kiss.
The thought of not being able to stay consumes my soul away. Maybe our paths will cross again one day, but they will never lead us the same way. They will never take us to the same place.
Hold me close tonight until we see the daylight, and I’ll have to leave you behind.
When the sun rises, please let me go.
But until tomorrow comes, please just hold me one last time.
Feature image via We Heart It.