So, I’m asexual. What that means is that I form romantic attachments, but I have little-to-no interest in sex.
Yes, I appreciate the irony, given the questions that I’ve had on this column. I hope the letter-writers got something out of the answers nonetheless.
To avoid answering everything on the AVEN website FAQ page, I went to Google and asked it to recommend some common search terms.
1. Are asexuals queer?
I hope this helps you.
Some of us identify as queer, some of us don’t. It depends from person to person, if I’m honest – for a while, I identified as a biromantic demisexual, but that was too much to put on a dating profile. Once I got into dating, I realized I am a lot more sex-repulsed than I initially thought, and also, there are more than two genders, and I don’t really give a toss which one my partner is, which means a change in identifier…
You can see why “queer” is preferable.
2. Why are asexuals called ace?
Convenient shorthand. Also, we can be pretty awesome.
3. Why are asexuals in the LGBT community?
Are we in the LGBT community? I’m not sure, personally. Sometimes we are – when they add extra letters at the end, and they remember to specify that the A stands for “asexual” and not “ally”. Other times… I’ve got to be honest, there is as much of the “Get laid already!” from LGBT people as there is from cishet people.
We are in the LGBT community, technically, because we are a group of people whose sexual non-preferences and desires are seen as aberrant by the rest of society. We are also in the LGBT community because we are very strong advocates for consent, honest conversations, and vulnerability. (Let’s face it, the cishet community has some catching up to do.)
4. Why are asexuals discriminated against?
Based on my experience on dating sites, it’s because we don’t put out. Apparently, other people take that personally.
Also, Hollywood seems to have a fondness for portraying us as deranged serial killers. I think the comparison with Hannibal Lecter is a bit unfair – I don’t look nearly as nice in a suit. Still – I understand why some people might find that disconcerting. Remember, until a few years ago, the only reference points we had for transgender people was the villain in Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.
5. Are asexuals oppressed?
We are as likely as any other member of the LGBT community to be subjected to “corrective rape” (because that’s what is missing, right? The power of a magic penis!) and even when we are good at looking after ourselves, it’s really hard to find partners we are compatible with.
Asexual people can form romantic attachments, just like anybody else. When we form romantic attachments with members of our own biological sex, we “enjoy” the same systemic oppressions all gay and lesbian people do – including getting beaten up, imprisoned, denied marriage and adoption rights, and being fired from work.
You know. Fun stuff.
6. Are asexuals valid?
Everyone’s sexual boundaries are valid, and if anybody tells you otherwise, I suggest they go sit on a cactus and spin.
7. Are asexuals lonely?
*checks massive stuffed toy collection* Nah. We good, fam.
8. Are asexuals born that way?
As much as straight people are born straight and gay people are born gay.
Or, if there is a cause for asexuality, nobody has discovered it yet. Does anybody want to give me a ton of money so that I can go check?
9. Are asexuals romantic?
Actual discussion from this February.
Me: “Happy Valentine’s Day, babe! Let’s do a road trip so that my friends can punch you in the face!”
Partner: “Happy Valentine’s Day, my duck! We can alternate weekends – my friends have been dying to kick your ass too!”
Much ass-kicking ensured. We bond over shared trauma.
10. Why are asexual orgasms identical?
I’m not qualified enough to comment, but my guess is because we are not aliens and our biology is no different from that of an average human.
As far as humans can tell, anyway. Mwahahaha.
11. Why are asexuals obsessed with dragons?
Because dragons are awesome. Bend the knee!
*insert Game of Thrones gif here*
Are those by far all of the questions that asexuals get asked? Hah, I wish. But tell you what – if you ask really nicely, I’ll do another 11 next month. 😉