Indigo replaced the brilliant blue in the sky as the sun hid beneath the horizon. The moon took its place, telling me it was once again time to sleep. Lying in my bed, I tucked myself under my blankets and rested my head on my soft pillow. I felt almost every part of my body relax, as I tried to drift off to sleep. Every part of me quieted, except for my mind.
My mind remained restless, diving into the abyss of unhappy memories I wished would stay buried. It tortured me with all sorts of memories, from tantrums and minor arguments to failed tests and bad grades. I thought of the times when my own stress caused my parents to cry. These moments imprinted themselves to my mind like a scorching brand. No matter how hard I tried to escape them, I couldn’t run.
These memories return at the most random times. They pop up when I’m eating dinner, sitting in class, or even trying to take a shower. I don’t encounter them every day, but when I do, they frustrate me.
When I remember the worst parts of my past, I feel awful, and I cringe at my younger self. Sometimes I wish that I could yell at him, tell him to appreciate what he has, to respect his mom and dad more, and to study harder. I shame myself for the mistakes I made when I was younger and tell myself that I was a terrible child.
Today, I try to make amends for my past. I do what I can for my parents, remind them how much I love them, and even apologize for my actions, even if they happened many years ago. I try to show my family that I’m different from the whiny, needy, angry child I was.
The most important thing to remember is that I am different from who I used to be. I’m more humble and less spoiled. I have much better control of my temper and don’t act out anymore. I rarely complain, and I rarely ask for anything. I’d rather cherish what I have.
I’ve learned from my past the mistakes, and I’ve grown because of them. That’s the point of making mistakes — you eventually regret them so that you don’t repeat them and cringe at your past self so that you don’t embarrass yourself further.
When my memories haunt me, I remember that they prove how much I’ve grown as a person. My friend once told me, “If you don’t cringe at your past self, then that means you haven’t grown,” so I’m thankful that my past embarrasses me a little.
As much as I want to go back in time and change how I acted, the laws of time and space don’t allow me to. Instead I just keep moving forward, laughing and cringing at my mistakes along the way.
Photo by Austin Rucker on Unsplash
