I was listening to a beautiful rendition of the song, “Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Joseph Vincent, and it made me cry. This song is about the person cherishing whomever it is they are singing about. And it finally dawned on me that I am tired of feeling like I am not good enough.
I am tired of feeling undervalued. The second best. Honestly, I am so ready to tell certain people in my life to GTFO of here with their sh*t. For no other reason than it just simply makes me sad. I am tired of being the afterthought of people.
I’m tired of the little effort people put into keeping me in their life. I’m not asking to be the center of their universe, but I noticed it’s been happening a lot lately. I am old enough to know that people have other lives to live, as well as priorities. But God damn, a little effort would be nice too.
I am tired of having to ask, to beg, certain family members to give me a call when I am going through a rough time in my life. I am normally a private person and feel awkward having to deal with my emotions as it is, so when I am in dire need of help or advice, it is them I want to run to. I get an “I will call you” response, only to not get a call at all. Both my family and friends seem to share something in common for some reason — they like to make fun of people who are deemed “needy,” and for that reason alone, I try to steer clear of being identified as that.
So when I am feeling “needy,” I normally downplay it. Someone intelligent once said to me to embrace myself and my emotions as a woman. Well right now, I am embracing myself and my emotions as a woman. I am feeling needy. So what? I am not even being needy, I am just asking to be more appreciated once in a damn while.
I am tired of having to bug a friend to come say hi to me since I will be going to THEIR town for a visit and it would be nice to see them even just to say hi, or for a quick lunch. What kind of nonsense is that? And the only response I get is, “I will try my best.”
I am tired of thinking or assuming I can rely on family to do certain things for me, but it is heavily implied that it is more of a hassle or a burden for them to do me a solid. God damn.
I am tired of having a great and exciting conversation with friends, only for said friends to reply to me two days later with a simple “hi” without at least having the decency to at least say, “hey sorry I didn’t reply to you because I didn’t give a f*ck enough to do so.” I started writing this entry crying, but now I am just starting to laugh at myself because I am starting to feel ridiculous. I hate getting affected by people, but here I am, writing about how affected I am by people. Am I just not good enough? I seriously reflected and pondered on that for a minute.
I am currently taking an intro class to marriage and family therapy. One of the things I learned so far is that the main problem people have is internalization. People seem to think that they are the problem and thus, have a hard time separating themselves from the actual problem. This, in turn, becomes counterproductive, because useful or helpful solutions are not being thought of. The way to counteract internalization is by externalizing the problem, which simply means separating yourself from the problem by objectifying it. It is a separate entity from you as a person.
In my attempt to practice what I am learning, I beg to ask the question, “is every single person in my life just an assh*le, then?” That can’t really be the case, can it? “Are my emotions finally unraveling and I am just finally addressing them? Which is it? Gosh, I wish I knew the answers to both. One thing I know is for sure, I’ve had enough.
I am tired of not feeling good enough because damn it, I am good enough. I am worth that phone call. I am worth seeing when I am in town. I am worth a reply to a text message. This is one of the first and last times I am going to let people affect me. Over the years, I have become good at shutting down my emotions. I guess this serves as a goodbye to these emotions I feel right now because, after this letter, I am going to proactively only care for people to who I don’t have to prove my worth. To the rest well, bye Felicia. Boy/girl bye. Ciao. Arrivederci, Paalam. See you later, alligator. Goodbye.