Sex should be fun, enjoyable, and incredibly satisfying; something that brings us pleasure. Unfortunately, many people struggle to communicate with themselves or their partners about what they really desire. Without sufficient queer sex representation in popular culture and our educational systems, it’s almost impossible for young queer, gay, bi, and transgendered people to know what they like, don’t like, or expect. So let’s talk about sex and move past the stigma and embarrassment. It’s time for exploration, discovery, and a whole lotta pleasure!
Explore Your Body
Sexual pleasure begins with you. Before you can express your desires, you need to know what they are. Start with seducing yourself. Get comfortable, dim the lights, play whatever music turns you on, light some candles, and begin to really see and feel your body. Imagine someone else is softly running their fingers over your bare skin, what do you want them to do? Breathe deep, focus on the sensations that please you, and follow them.
Gain confidence by understanding what you really like during self-exploration and masturbation. There’s no embarrassment, no judgment, just you and your pleasure. Masturbation has so many incredible health benefits. Besides helping you learn what brings you joy, it releases a rush of stress-reducing, tension-easing, and mood-elevating chemicals into the body. Hormones that relax you, ease pain and headaches, and help you sleep better.
Communication & Consent
Now that you’ve explored your body, it’s time to talk with your partner, preferably before things start heating up. Make it a fun conversation somewhere outside the bedroom. The more open and honest communication there is, the better the sex will be. What are the things you both like, don’t like or are open to exploring? Don’t assume gender roles. Let your partner express their sexuality.
Consent is more than just yes or no. It’s active listening and observation for both you and your partner. Read their body language, and discuss safe words and behaviors that may trigger you or them. Intimacy is vulnerable and it can be hard to expose yourself that way, but it’s much better to open up about insecurities beforehand.
Explore Your Fantasies
The best part about communicating with your partners is that it gives you the freedom to explore your fantasies, assuming they’re open and willing. If your partner wants to, now’s the time to introduce adult toys or sexy lingerie and costumes. Role-playing, kinks, and fetishes, if explored safely, can really spice things up. Sex toys not only allow you and your partner to reach orgasm faster, but also play with gender roles in a safe way and really discover what turns you on.
Be sure to choose toys that are made from non-porous materials such as platinum-cure silicone, stainless steel, and glass. It’s important to wash them with hot water and non-scented soap after every use, even if you use condoms, dental dams, or latex gloves on your toys because they can still carry STIs on them.
While you’re having your fun pre-sex talk with your partner, be sure to discuss safety and birth-control if necessary. People who are taking clomid for testosterone or estrogen need to be aware that they may still be able to get their partners pregnant or get pregnant themselves if an egg and sperm are present, so barrier methods such as external condoms or internal condoms are highly recommended. They will also help prevent the spread of STIs.
Dental dams and latex gloves are helpful as well to prevent the spread of STIs during oral sex and finger stimulation. Those who wish to greatly reduce their chances of contracting HIV should use condoms and consider taking PrEp, a daily medication that prevents people from becoming infected. If you know of a recent HIV risk, you can also take PEP for post-exposure protection.
Sexual pleasure isn’t unattainable. It may take time and a few trials and errors. By starting with your own body and understanding what turns you on and then having the courage to openly express that is the best way to attain it. Talk with your partners and your friends. Embrace your sexuality and have fun!
Photo by Ketut Subiyanto