In a day and age where it’s simply so damn easy to share our opinions, we often forget that not every opinion needs to be shared, nor is every opinion wanted. I’m reminded of this as I sit in the dentist chair listening to the hygienist lecture me about my soda intake (something, that I must mention, is not horrendous). That being said, I wish to respectfully inform you that, I did not ask you for your opinion. You want to throw “everyone is entitled to their own opinion” at me? Sure, I’ll agree. But I’m also entitled to not have to hear yours. What if we all said exactly what was on our mind? Chaos would ensue, families would be torn apart, and I’m here to teach you a lesson. Without further ado, I present to you 9 things that I simply did not ask for your opinion on.
1. What you think of my clothing
I think it’s really cool that you think my sweater is hideous, or that my outfit doesn’t match. You, however, aren’t the one who has to wear it so you can mind your own damn business. While I’m at it, I’ll do you a favor and not point out that I’ve definitely noticed you wearing the same pants for the fourth day in a row.
2. Your political preferences or religious beliefs
I’m not sure how my comment about *insert irrelevant topic here* sparked a debate about Donald Trump, but dayum, you sure picked that up and ran with it. On a similar note, I’m glad that you’re tight with your homeboy, Jesus, but I don’t really give a shit that I’m going to hell for whatever you say I’m going to hell for. Newsflash: I’m already in hell with your incessant nagging.
3. Who I’m dating (or not dating)
My love life (or lack thereof) is none yo damn business. I don’t care that you think that I could do so much better than Frank or Charlie or whatever this month’s man’s name is. I don’t care that you think that I “burn through men.” And frankly, I don’t care that you know the “perfect guy” for me, waiting at your church, your gym, or whatever creepy place you met him. Most of all, I don’t care that you disapprove of my methods of meeting men. That’s my mother’s job.
4. Whether or not you think I should have children
My favorite thing is when I show a distaste for having children and some asshole has to throw in their two cents about how it’s selfish to not have children, it’s what women were made to do, it’s my duty as a woman, yadda yadda yadda. Wake up. This isn’t 1930. Women can do shit now.
5. How I spend my money
My income, my bank account, my business. Some people feel like it’s their job to monitor my spending habits and thinks it’s their god-given right to call me out on it. “So I noticed you just spent $100 on an inflatable T-Rex costume but last week you ignored my email asking to buy some fruit for Jimmy Jr’s class fundraiser.” Fuck yeah I did, Jim. And you wanna know why? Because fruit is gross and I’m not going to spend money on something that I don’t like just to please your devil spawn when I can spend it on prehistoric shenanigans.
6. How I do my makeup
Sometimes I may look like a drag queen or sometimes I look like a college girl who spent the better part of last night throwing up at a frat party, and sometimes my makeup is on point, but just because you don’t know how to cover up your wrinkly ass face doesn’t mean you have to take it out on me. Your eyelids were a permanent shade of blue for the better part of the 70s and you’re gonna come at me because my wings aren’t perfect? Sure, Barbara. Take a seat.
7. My food intake
Yes, I know that someday my metabolism will finally catch up to me. But today is not that day, and so I will feast on what I want, when I want because this is America, dammit. Unless you’re a certified dietician, the only words coming out of your mouth should be how delicious this pizza looks. Don’t even think about uttering, “oh, you’re eating again?” You already know the answer to that.
8. My educational choices
I’m so happy that you know so much about my major, even though you never went to college. No, really. It’s so enlightening that you just know I won’t get a job in my field. While we’re talking about things we don’t know jack shit about, how’s your marriage?
9. My career
Ah, yes… the mother of all beasts. I don’t know why, but this one just really takes the cake. Thank you for telling me that there’s no money in my career path, that I’m too good to be doing what I’m doing, and that I’m capable of more. I know you’re trying to help, but backhanded encouragement isn’t doing anything. I’m happy where I’m at and money isn’t a motivation. Do what you love and you’ll never work another day in your life.
So there you have it: these are the thoughts that run through my head when people run their mouths. They stay in my head because I realize that not everyone cares about my opinion and that sometimes, opinions can be hurtful. If you are thinking about trying to help by speaking your mind about someone else’s life, just don’t. Unless someone very, very specifically asks for your opinion on something, don’t just toss it out there like you’re throwing a penny in a goddamn fountain.
Collaboration with Brenna Heiskari
Feature image via screengrab from Glee.
This was hilarious!!