Why I Stopped Letting Myself Think About You

I don’t think about you. Not anymore. It’s my defense, you see. It’s how I have figured out to protect myself. I just don’t think about you.

I don’t think about how much I liked you or how much you liked me. I don’t think about how we were both always to scared to tell each other. Or how in the end when you got close enough to say that something was actually real, I ran the other way.

I don’t think about how much you had to go out of your comfort zone for me. How much crap I put you through just so that you could be near me. I didn’t make it easy for you because it wasn’t easy for me. It wasn’t easy for me to believe you could love me.

I don’t think about how much it hurt you when I started dating him. You never told me, but I could tell. We had been friends too long for me not to be able to tell. I don’t think about the look on your face when I first told you because I can still feel my heart hurting knowing that I did this to you. That I am the reason you are hurting.

I don’t think about how sorry I am that I picked the boy who would make it easier for me to leave instead of the one I felt I couldn’t bare to lose. Or how sorry I am that we never got our X-Men marathon movie nights and that I wasn’t there when you needed me the most.

I don’t think about you leaving because I know you had to. Or how different we both are going to be when you come back. I don’t think about what’s going to happen after this much time of silence between us. Or about the fact that I didn’t even bother to say goodbye.

I don’t think about you because, if I did, the days would pass by in weeks and the minutes in hours. If I still thought about you, I could never love him. If I still thought about you I could never go out and dance with a random stranger or flirt with the boy who offered to buy me a drink.

No, I don’t think about you anymore. And I hope you don’t think about me either. I hope you are out there happy and free with no strings to hold down your wings. That you have moved on so that you don’t have to think about me anymore or the pain that I’m sure I caused you.

I really hope you don’t think of me.

Featured image via Pexels


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