You came into my life while I was at my lowest. I was alone and heartbroken, with no passion for love or life. But you still saw me as someone beautiful and worthwhile. You did everything you could to try to make me happy. You took me out on the most amazing dates and said all the right words. So why did I end it?
I wanted to tell you I was scared.
I wanted to shout from the rooftops that I was scared to fall in love again. Because I had been disappointed and broken too many times. Because I was scared you were going to hurt me like my past lovers. Because I was scared to fully move on. You can’t imagine how much it pained me to try to keep it together. But I didn’t say anything, because I did not want you to look at me that way. I was too scared to show you. I did not want you to think I was weak. I wanted to prove to myself that I was okay, even though I clearly wasn’t.
I wanted to tell you how he broke me.
I wanted to talk about him, the love of my life who one day destroyed me with his words and actions. I wanted to describe it in detail, so you would understand why I was this person who even I did not recognize when looking in the mirror. I wanted to tell you about the fire and passion that used to run through my veins before he took it all away. I wanted to show you my scarred heart, and tell you that I was trying my best to heal it. But instead, I pretended like nothing was wrong and said I was okay.
I wanted to tell you that I liked you.
I wanted to look deep into your beautiful eyes and express my feelings towards you. I wanted you to understand how much I cared for you and how amazing you were. I wanted to squeeze your hand tightly when you grabbed mine, and I wanted to kiss your lips when you leaned into me. But instead I quickly retracted my hand as if you had burnt me, when you were the most cooling and soothing of all.
All the things I wanted to but could not tell you makes a list longer than our dating history. You did everything you could to be the person you thought I deserved. You did everything right and met all of my criteria. Your presence made me feel happy and alive again, and I was really starting to fall for you. My heart was ready to take another leap of faith. But instead of taking a beautiful chance on you and our love, I got scared and cut you off. I stopped replying to your texts and told you I had no time. Surely you had no idea it was coming.
I ghosted you after you did nothing wrong, and I wanted to tell you I was sorry for that. I wanted to tell you I was sorry for a lot of things. But I didn’t know how, so I ended up saying nothing. I wanted to prove to myself that I was ready to fall in love again, even though I clearly wasn’t. I should have told you I was not ready to love you, I am sorry about that.
Featured image via Gustavo Fring on Pexels