“I don’t know if I want to be alone or if I want to be with you.”
I could feel my heart dropping into my stomach. After a week of nervously sensing my relationship was ending, here I was, having the dreaded but inevitable conversation that I’ll admit, I wasn’t expecting to have so soon. Our previous fights have predicted that we’d always pull through, but not this time. This time was different.
“I don’t know what to do now that you’re standing right in front of me.”
Could you send any more mixed signals? Using bullsh*t cliches for fear of hurting my feelings isn’t the way to go about this. Why are you trying to make me walk away from this breakup with scars? I can’t understand why this is happening, because it sure as hell isn’t so that you can be “alone.” So much of that day was left unanswered; almost too much. Was “alone” a synonym for “I’m really going to miss the way you treat me, but I’d like to hookup with other girls”? In the midst of figuring out why things ended the way they did after two years of what I thought was love, I realized something much deeper than the initial sting of heartbreak: I am not a better half, I am a great whole.
Here’s a look at the four things I thank heartbreak for teaching me this summer:
- People change their minds like the seasons. I couldn’t judge somebody solely on the fact that they change their minds so frequently; I’m just as guilty of doing so. Each one of us has a million thoughts running through our minds each day; at least one is bound to have the ability to shape and twist the choices we make. One minute you could want a cheeseburger and the next you’ll go through five different options before you settle on pork fried rice. I had to find it in me to accept what my ex wanted and remember that it wasn’t my fault. Life throws you curveballs and you have to be ready to take them, head-on.
- Just because one person didn’t think you’re f*cking fabulous, doesn’t mean you aren’t. He thought you were awesome, and now he doesn’t. Cool. Find someone who thinks you’re so awesome that letting you go would be the biggest mistake of their life. In the mean time, remind yourself everyday how great you are. Hang out with your friends, fulfill your goals, and be the best version of yourself you can be. Seriously, my artwork has never been better.
- My breakup is not a contest of “who’s doing better.” It’s a hard reality to accept, but your ex isn’t going to magically gain a million pounds and lose all of his hair like you wish he would. He might get new job offers, win awards for something he excels in, he could be dating a Victoria’s Secret model in a few months, and sorry, there’s nothing you can do about that. What you need to do is focus on you. Focus on getting your life back on track and know that your own possibilities are also endless. Remember that you do not need him (or anyone) to validate you because you are already the best you you can be. You’re already f*cking fabulous. Although it does make me feel SEMI better about myself to see my ex’s tragically growing beer belly and white castle hangover Snapchats. (Shh!)
- I will NEVER settle. Aim big. Not just in relationships, but in general. The last few months of my relationship were a battle with whether or not I should end it due to being treated like a friend rather than a girlfriend. I settled for my relationship because I was so blinded by love. Clear your eyes, aim, and shoot for someone who looks at you like you’re the only person in the room.
These are the things I’ve tried to remember in order to get past this bump in the road. I am beautiful and wonderful and one day someone else will see all the things I have to offer. The difference between him and my ex? He won’t let me go. A few months ago I was 19 and in love. Now I am 20 and stronger.