The school year is in full swing, which can only mean one thing… We’ve got a new semester full of memorable individuals that somehow manage to fuck our days up. Granted, these bona fide patrons of originality embody the distinctive attributes that allow for Gen Y’s authentic flair, so ignore them if you can.
1. The Quiet Nymphomaniac
She’s a philanthropic, free-minded anthropology major by day, and a kinky, merciless dominatrix by night. Looks can be deceiving, and this suggestive woman is no exception. In fact, her subtle, sexually charged vibes radiate much less innocence than that Pre-Pharmacy super-senior who convinced you that snorting Oxycontin for recreation is okay. It’s not. To my fellow men, avoid eye contact at all costs. Why? Because she’s going to fucking kill you. Maybe not literally, but she will suck the life clear outta ya. Giggity. In class, don’t mistake her passively shrewd, sexual innuendo-based commentary as an expression of her potential interest in you. That’s simply her cunning, systematic approach to luring victims guys. Then again, maybe you do prefer to be forcefully ordered to bark like a dog as drops of lava-hot wax brutally blister your raw, whip-slashed back. Honestly…me too. My advice: remember the safe word fellas.
2. The Quad Peasant
He and those alike frolic around aimlessly, grazing academic quads nationwide. To us spectators, this nomad seems to have rejected all that is contemporary, namely social skills and hygiene. He’s an eyesore and an overly fascinated Geoscience major. Indeed, he’s one with the Earth. Unfortunately, besides a rowdy bunch of wasted students, the Quad Peasant is the next disturbing scene to witness for a college tour group. Don’t get me wrong, deep down, he’s a kind-hearted dude, but his lack of understanding for certain behavioral etiquettes are his Achilles’ Heal. I regret to mention that it’s his ratty 90s attire, horrific stench, and avoidance of personal space that justifies my hatred of him. Like bro no offense, but I don’t give a fuck about your remarkably extensive rock collection. Moreover, why the hell is there dirt embedded under your fingernails? Even better question, why are you next to me when 80% of this lecture hall is vacant? Take your ratchet, nappy, bearded ass back to the fucking quad and await your nightly sprinkler shower you simple shit.
3. The Wanna Be Gym Rat
He’s an unreasonably cocky Frosh, and just started lifting the summer before college. If his aggravating antics stopped there, I wouldn’t crack his spirit for everything else. However, his latest Tweet read: “Totally just nailed a new PR on the bench ya haters! #200PoundClub #MakingGains.” Well, that’s cute. There’s nothing more I hate than an ill-informed, pathetically arrogant little twat. His Shake Weight aside, the only two things this kid is really shaking are his dick and a fresh whey protein shake. You’ll spot him throughout your campus flashing his puny guns while vigorously shaking away in his cut-sleeve shirt. Bro, do you even lift? Bottom line, is he a poser? Yes. Nevertheless we need this insecure virgin for our daily ego boosts. Get big bro.
4. The Deceptive Barbie Doll
Even if this bizarre Barbie bitch came with a mute button, she’d still be intolerable. She’s domineeringly OCD and overbearingly egotistical, yet attempts to come off as if she’s genuinely friendly. She’s all for herself, and strives to make others look bad. Likewise, anticipate her opinions to consistently challenge yours each class since she prays for a debate on that assignment that no one read. Anyway, she totally loves school, absolutely adores her academic SoRAWRity, and thinks everyone and everything is just fucking dandy! For your benefit, avoid being paired with this basket case for group projects, because she’s in charge. “We’re going to create the PowerPoint with this background and text, and everyone must equally contribute. Just to be fair!” Wow bitch, to think we couldn’t despise you anymore than we already did. You’ll discover her perfectionistic syndrome from her multi-colored lecture notes, to her unnecessarily flawless appearance in your MWF 8AM. At least you can talk shit behind her back since she sits front and center. Literally.
5. The Tenured Professor
Kiss your hopes and dreams good bye because your promising future has now been compromised. Admittedly, Calculus is one form of dreadful. Regardless, getting stuck with some jackass foreign instructor whose English rivals that of a toddler is outrageous. Without question, Tenured Professors are the STDs of academia. You can try and prevent catching them all ya want, but realistically, you’re still getting fucked. These impolite jerkoffs don’t exactly give a shit about their students either. Their primary concern is publishing their latest, University-endorsed research findings and all that horseshit. Honestly, the day a Tenured Professor tries to relate to a packed lecture hall full of hung-over, sleep-deprived students seems as realistic as matching up with someone on Tinder who won’t kill you. Face it, they’re disgruntled, hate themselves, and unlike a DMV employee, are protected by corrupt unions that conspire to ruin college students’ lives forever. Well sort of.
No hard feelings.