If you’re anything like me, it’s probably been a messy and blurry semester. We are talking about alcohol: the tool that allows you to make questionable life decisions on any given night, the friend that we love to hate and hate to love, and sometimes our only friend. But before you wake up with that nasty hangover where your body convinces you that you have a death wish, maybe we should talk about the signs that scream: “you’re flagged,” “go home,” or “oh god, please stop now,” before everyone in the place starts chanting them.
- You know you came with friends, but have no desire or will to find them.
- For us girls: You make the awful and rash decision to take your heels off because your feet hurt too much. Ew, you little freak nasties. Keep it classy.
- You’re a broke college student but that group of strangers across the bar that you just met, let’s buy them a round. “I mean they’re your OMG besties now.”
- You fall and trip, everywhere. Don’t worry, I was just as surprised as you were when that wooden floor turned into stairs.
- You can no longer carry your own body weight and need the help of that bar stool or that human to hold you up.
- When you try and make plans with that bitch that tagged along with you and your friends who you despise with every ounce of your very intoxicated being.
- You turn into a social media whore (if you aren’t already). But first, let me take a #selfie.
- You suddenly think it is a good idea to start telling secrets and your entire life story to the creeper at the corner of the bar…and the bartender…and the person washing their hands next to you while you stare yourself down in the mirror. Holy shit, look at my eyes. But they like…totally get you.
- You tell everyone you love them, multiple times, loudly.
- Texting and calling your ex multiple times seems like a great idea.
- You start making out with anything that has lips. Even that weird skinny dude in the corner who you sat far away from just to avoid, in the beginning of the night.
- That diet you’ve been working so hard on keeping until…those French fries, and that large pepperoni pizza, and that greasy double bacon cheeseburger, and oh! Taco Bell…”WAIT! THERE’S A WALMART DOWN THE STREET, LET’S GO GET FOOD!”
- You feel like it’s your civil responsibility to tell everyone and their mother “I’m not drunk. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”
- All rules about proper bathroom etiquette go out the window. Just. No.
- You are spilling more alcohol than you are consuming; good alcoholics don’t waste alcohol. Don’t be rude.
- You have thrown up…end of story.
- When you’re conversations start SOUNDING LIKE THIS!
- When you’re not normally a good dancer but whatever you’re doing with your body…well, it’s becoming a physical threat to others.
- The room looks a little pixelated, and you may be talking in cursive.
- You. Just. Can’t. Even.
With having said all that, hopefully, next time you go out for a drink and it turns into about 10 drinks, 5 shots, and a drink you never even ordered, remember this list and know when to pull the ripcord on whatever shenanigans you got yourself into that night.
Until then, drink up me hearties!