Alright ladies of the world, listen up. You with the double X chromosome, put down your stupid phone and start reading. Being a female of this wonderful world, I would just like to tell the majority of my sex that…
Absolutely suck. Yeah, I said it, what are you going to do about it? Probably nothing…except talk about me when I leave the room, or better yet, subtweet me. Growing up, I constantly found myself Steven Glandsberging it the majority of my life because the thought of participating in some of the shit that girls do made me want to take a nice long jump off the nearest high rise. I don’t know where along the status quo we decided that the following behaviors were acceptable, let alone normal, but I am going to single-handily stop you all from sucking anymore than you already do by ordering a cease and desist of these horrendous habits of the female world.
1. Competing with BoBo the Clown for the Most-Makeup-Worn-At-One-Time Award
Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s so much damn Maybelline. No, you don’t look like a “bronze goddess” like the package told you; you look like you stuck your face in a pile of Dorito-dust. If you find yourself having to wash your face with as much force as a pressure-washer, you are probably wearing too much make-up. Look, we aren’t perfect, no one is; but thinking you can make yourself perfect with layers on layers of make-up is going to work aboutttt a solid 0% of the time. Ladies, embrace your imperfections, because in the end your personality is what people are going to really care about, not that your eyelashes are LUSH AND PLUMP, so why don’t you just put the make-up brush down slowly, and step away from the bronzer.
2. Having the IQ of a dried turnip
The only time you should play dumb is when your parents ask why there are empty bottles of cheap alcohol decorating your apartment. Any other time in your life, act like you have some damn common sense. I know you ladies are smart…well the majority of you all. (God bless the other ones, poor things don’t have a shot.) You are in college for a reason, to be educated. You probably have a kick ass major, or at least a fun one, so why do you insist on talking about the same things my 7 year old cousin talks about? It’s not cute to sit there and act like the only thing you know how to do in life is say “like, I can’t.” CAN’T WHAT. WHAT CAN YOU NOT DO. You can’t form a grammatically correct sentence that’s for sure, because if I have to hear ONE more female use the word “literally” incorrectly, I’m going to scream. Nothing is more frustrating than talking to an idiot, like literally.
3. Being as loyal as the chick with 12 potential fathers on Maury
Loyalty is a dying breed in the female world. Bitches will look you dead in the eye and pull an entire Regina George, saying one thing and then saying the complete opposite behind your back. Oh and if you are loyal good luck having a lot of girl friends, because girls hate that. Nothing is more annoying than the one girl who won’t join in on the oh-so-juicy-gossip the others get all hot and bothered by. Everyone always has that friend that they know they would never call up in case they needed a kidney because chances are they would tell you they would give you a kidney… then go and talk about you and your defective kidney behind your back. We already have it hard enough as it is, you know being female and all, so why make it worse by being a Regina George? Don’t be a Regina, be a Glen Coco.
4. Quoting sad and pathetic love sayings on social media
Your dirty laundry belongs in the wash, not on social media. To be honest, the only reaction you have gotten out of me is a chuckle and then me mocking you to my best friend while we sit and laugh at your little passive aggressive post. Do you honestly think a guy is going to look at your tweet saying “say something I’m giving up on you” and think “wow, you know that was really great. I must text her right now and confess my undying love for her.” No. You will get the exact same reaction from them that you got from me. Sending subtle tweets to your potential sweet heart will not make them want you. Stop quoting love sayings and start quoting How I Met Your Mother.
5. Dressing like a slut
Haven’t you people ever heard of “less is more?” You wonder why no guy respects you? Probably because you are often confused with Trixi the stripper. I’m not saying you should go all Victorian Age on everyone, but for the sake of humanity leave something to the imagination every once in awhile. Would you still get as excited for Christmas if you didn’t have wrapping paper to cover up the gifts? Probably not. So start considering yourself like a Christmas present and less like poor old Trixi. At least she gets paid to look like that…
Ladies we were born with the power to change the world, and us girls are letting this shit happen. Your parents did not look at you when you were born and say “whelp, looks like this one’s going to be a waste.” No. They looked at you and saw you moving mountains and taking names. They saw you being outspoken, strong and all around great, so start doing it. I don’t care what Daisy Buchanan said in The Great Gatsby that “the best thing a girl can be in this world is a beautiful little fool.” Shut up Daisy, the best thing a girl can be in this world is awesome and that’s why no girl ever liked you when they had to read that book in high school. Oh, for the ladies that are out actually accomplishing things in the world, do our gender a favor and don’t stop being you. And for the ladies doing any of the above, it’s not too late to stop sucking.