Alright ladies of the world, listen up. You with the double X chromosome, put down your stupid phone and start reading. Being a female of this wonderful world, I would just like to tell the majority of my sex that…
Absolutely suck. Yeah, I said it, what are you going to do about it? Probably nothing…except talk about me when I leave the room, or better yet, subtweet me. Growing up, I constantly found myself Steven Glandsberging it the majority of my life because the thought of participating in some of the shit that girls do made me want to take a nice long jump off the nearest high rise. I don’t know where along the status quo we decided that the following behaviors were acceptable, let alone normal, but I am going to single-handily stop you all from sucking anymore than you already do by ordering a cease and desist of these horrendous habits of the female world.
1. Competing with BoBo the Clown for the Most-Makeup-Worn-At-One-Time Award
Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s so much damn Maybelline. No, you don’t look like a “bronze goddess” like the package told you; you look like you stuck your face in a pile of Dorito-dust. If you find yourself having to wash your face with as much force as a pressure-washer, you are probably wearing too much make-up. Look, we aren’t perfect, no one is; but thinking you can make yourself perfect with layers on layers of make-up is going to work aboutttt a solid 0% of the time. Ladies, embrace your imperfections, because in the end your personality is what people are going to really care about, not that your eyelashes are LUSH AND PLUMP, so why don’t you just put the make-up brush down slowly, and step away from the bronzer.
2. Having the IQ of a dried turnip
The only time you should play dumb is when your parents ask why there are empty bottles of cheap alcohol decorating your apartment. Any other time in your life, act like you have some damn common sense. I know you ladies are smart…well the majority of you all. (God bless the other ones, poor things don’t have a shot.) You are in college for a reason, to be educated. You probably have a kick ass major, or at least a fun one, so why do you insist on talking about the same things my 7 year old cousin talks about? It’s not cute to sit there and act like the only thing you know how to do in life is say “like, I can’t.” CAN’T WHAT. WHAT CAN YOU NOT DO. You can’t form a grammatically correct sentence that’s for sure, because if I have to hear ONE more female use the word “literally” incorrectly, I’m going to scream. Nothing is more frustrating than talking to an idiot, like literally.
3. Being as loyal as the chick with 12 potential fathers on Maury
Loyalty is a dying breed in the female world. Bitches will look you dead in the eye and pull an entire Regina George, saying one thing and then saying the complete opposite behind your back. Oh and if you are loyal good luck having a lot of girl friends, because girls hate that. Nothing is more annoying than the one girl who won’t join in on the oh-so-juicy-gossip the others get all hot and bothered by. Everyone always has that friend that they know they would never call up in case they needed a kidney because chances are they would tell you they would give you a kidney… then go and talk about you and your defective kidney behind your back. We already have it hard enough as it is, you know being female and all, so why make it worse by being a Regina George? Don’t be a Regina, be a Glen Coco.
4. Quoting sad and pathetic love sayings on social media
Your dirty laundry belongs in the wash, not on social media. To be honest, the only reaction you have gotten out of me is a chuckle and then me mocking you to my best friend while we sit and laugh at your little passive aggressive post. Do you honestly think a guy is going to look at your tweet saying “say something I’m giving up on you” and think “wow, you know that was really great. I must text her right now and confess my undying love for her.” No. You will get the exact same reaction from them that you got from me. Sending subtle tweets to your potential sweet heart will not make them want you. Stop quoting love sayings and start quoting How I Met Your Mother.
5. Dressing like a slut
Haven’t you people ever heard of “less is more?” You wonder why no guy respects you? Probably because you are often confused with Trixi the stripper. I’m not saying you should go all Victorian Age on everyone, but for the sake of humanity leave something to the imagination every once in awhile. Would you still get as excited for Christmas if you didn’t have wrapping paper to cover up the gifts? Probably not. So start considering yourself like a Christmas present and less like poor old Trixi. At least she gets paid to look like that…
Ladies we were born with the power to change the world, and us girls are letting this shit happen. Your parents did not look at you when you were born and say “whelp, looks like this one’s going to be a waste.” No. They looked at you and saw you moving mountains and taking names. They saw you being outspoken, strong and all around great, so start doing it. I don’t care what Daisy Buchanan said in The Great Gatsby that “the best thing a girl can be in this world is a beautiful little fool.” Shut up Daisy, the best thing a girl can be in this world is awesome and that’s why no girl ever liked you when they had to read that book in high school. Oh, for the ladies that are out actually accomplishing things in the world, do our gender a favor and don’t stop being you. And for the ladies doing any of the above, it’s not too late to stop sucking.
Featured image via Pexels
Dear Kristina Johns,
You are well-intentioned. You know that being a woman is a powerful and beautiful gift, one that each woman should cherish and be proud of. Your article brings me to wonder if you have ever done any looking-in-to of feminism. Feminism allows women (and men) to harness their inherent power, inner beauty, and strength, all the while creating a new world built on exceptional equality for all human beings, regardless of how they were born. The more one learns about feminism, the more it seeps into one’s everyday life. The more you learn, the more you may be outraged at our world and yet truly passionate about a new world that we can each create.
I understand that you may not have been considering the implications of what you were writing in this article as you wrote them, and that this is more of a fun personal-account type am-I-right-though?? manifesto, but your article includes several common problematic features that really do us in and perpetuate the problem.
tldr: What I’m trying to say is, for your own sake and for that of all women, learn a little bit about slut shaming; women in media, politics, and high position jobs; rape and rape culture; and most importantly the role of men vs. women in our culture. Use your powers for good and not evil. Change the world and change yourself. Hear the good word.
p.s. here’s somewhere you can get started: http://www.feminist.com . Have fun! 🙂
Wow, seems like you think very highly of yourself and would like to consider yourself smarter than the author of this article – Are you assuming the writer does not understand her own article? Looks like you took some offense and would not take everything so close to heart.
“learn a little bit about slut shaming” = Don’t act like a slut then. You are what you act like.
“the role of men vs. women in our culture. Use your powers for good and not evil. ” – If feminism is only power, then feminism is subjugation. You’d make a good slave owner.
” manifesto, but your article includes” what’s your manifesto at http://www.feminist.com? You know who else had a manifesto? Hitler.
maybe you could change the world like he did? But instead of jews, you put all men in the concentration camp and give women the power under Aphrodite, or Venus. That’d be good.
Feminism is cancer, not equality. Power exchanges one evil for another. Not equality.
Actually, “chamelea”, this article is a great start, because it asks women to take accountability, which is precisely what feminism opposes; it’s men’s fault for women’s problems, no matter what. If you can blame men for everything, you never have to worry that it’s your own fault that you will never automatically equal a man, and if you can’t become an imitation man, your efforts at feminism have failed.
Actually, feminism is complete bullshit, and it’s being ripped apart for it’s blatant anti-science, and outright lies involving false statistics.
There is no such thing as The Patriarchy, there is no wage gap (proven), and rape culture is a myth designed to induce paranoia and shame men.
I will never give a fuck about feminism, and I look forward to shitting on it. : )
Oh, and by the way, “chamelea, sluts are called sluts because they are slutty, and men are never sluts. Take that and suck on it.
“men are never sluts” – No, they are called dogs. Because they’ll hump anything that moves. Either way, If you F%^& everything you can, you’re a slut, or one of the Romans, or Greeks. Just because you have holes, doesn’t mean you have to shove something in them constantly. Try commitment, it works out better for everyone.
You criticize an entire generation (which is a very broad generalization) for having low intelligence but have seemed to forget about double-checking your writing for mistakes. Your writing is bland, has bad clarity, and the delivery is bad. You have countless grammatical errors, didn’t use compound sentences correctly, misused quotation marks, your language is weak but yet also hard to read, and it reads as if an eighth-grader wrote it. All that is just in the first two paragraphs.