#StopTheSubtweet: How an End to Subtweeting Will Leave Us Better Off

Twitter: A form of social media founded in 2006 as a means of communication in 140 characters or less. What started off as a well-wished idea of a fast way of communicating has suddenly turned into a virtual playground for the ball-less and bitchy. I’m talking about the subtweeters of the world. Yes, probably you reading this right now. You’ll probably even subtweet about me and this post later, but in 20 years from now, when you can look back on your 40.5K tweets, you’ll thank me for stopping you. So go ahead and subtweet me, better yet, don’t forget to put #oomf in it just so we all know that it is in fact a true hard-core subtweet.

I don’t know where exactly America has gone wrong in thinking that subtweets are acceptable to society, nevertheless the norm, but let me preach to you, they should not be. I personally think subtweets are about as acceptable as mom-jeans. Now to you non-subtweeters out there, a subtweet is when someone on Twitter tweets about someone that they know is following them, but does not tag them in it, so they won’t get the notification that someone is talking about them. Even when I sit here and explain it I can’t help but laugh at the ridiculousness of it. Seriously people, just reread my description again and tell me why this is acceptable.

Reasons why subtweets should be stopped?

First, growing up you were HOPEFULLY taught that “if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.” Not “if you don’t have anything nice to say, subtweet them.” The people that subtweet the most are also the types of people you see standing at a party being a complete and utter Steven Glandsburg, antisocial and doing nothing but tapping away at their phone. These people aren’t the type of people you see saying anything to people in public, so be on the lookout for these people and stop them in their tracks, much like a bounty hunter for perpetual subtweet offenders. When someone subtweets yet says nothing to the victim of their subtweet, I imagine their balls are about as virtual as their social lives, so if you fall victim to one of these…pat yo weave and walk away.

Second, you want to get the attention of the opposite sex? DO NOT SUBTWEET. The only attention you will get from them is a collective sigh and the fart-look, you know, the look your face does when you smell a fart? Yeah, the face you’re trying to recreate now. If I have to see one more “#oomf is ____” (fill in the blank, use your imagination), I am going to scream. Who the hell is oomf anyway? Why do you feel the need to label them as oomf? Don’t they have a name? If I got oomf-ed, I wouldn’t know what to do…do I say thank you? Do I correct them on my actual name? WHAT DO I DO WITH MY HANDS?! Ladies and gentlemen, please leave the conversational confusion to your Calculus II professor and start addressing your oomfs by their real name.

Lastly, America was founded on the ballsy-ness of a couple men who were tired of being pushed around and decided to take matters into their own hands. They built an entire country. THE UNITED STATES OF FRIGGEN AMERICA PEOPLE. Do you think they could have done not only this, but build a government, get people to move to their country and love the red, white and sexy blue if they just subtweeted their displeasure to the king?

“Dear #oomf, you suck at running England, and you’re ugly on top of that. Like seriously though I hate you, and so does George Washington.”

No. They used their brain cells, got a solid plan, wrote the wonderful document called THE Declaration of Independence using actual words, and in the words of Dr. Phil, pulled themselves up by their boots straps and started moving. With this growth of social media, America has completely lost its bad-assness. You want to know why Russia isn’t scared of us!? Because we lead with the passive aggressiveness of a 3rd grader. We lead with dumb ass, poorly written subtweets. Who in their right mind would ever be scared of a country that prides itself in being just outright annoying?

 “Dear #oomf, America hates you. #Russiadoesntexist”

You want to really make shit happen, you confront the person you have a problem with, speak your mind, and move on. Enough with this “let me tell them how I feel without really telling them how I feel” bullshit; You are not only making yourself look bad, but you’re making America look bad, and I live here too and I’ll be damned if you make me look bad. In other words, be a better American.

In the end, I am demanding  you people. You better stop it, and stop it right now. When you grow up and look back, you’ll cringe looking at it just as much as I do now. You like someone? Tell them. You want someone to take you out on a date? Say it to them. You want to tell your ex-best friend to go fall of the face of the planet? USE YOUR BIG GIRL VOICE AND TELL THEM. Subtweeting does absolutely nothing for anyone, and just leaves everyone more confused than they were watching Miley perform at the VMAs. George Washington would be ashamed of you, and I am in a very close second to that. So before you subtweet, think to yourself “is anyone going to judge me for this?”, and the answer is yes.

I will be there. Judging you. Forever.


Safe travels,

Kristina “#stopthesubtweet2014” Johns


Featured image via flickr




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