I am doing okay, which is honestly better than I expected. Last week I was curled up in the comfort of my bed rereading old messages, thinking this is how I was going to feel for a while. I am so relieved to say that I was wrong for choosing you, and you were wrong for thinking you could do better. You were wrong for not realizing that you were not the only one with options, the only difference being that I had the decency not to act on the offers I had.
Thank you for destroying who I was, I’m not too sure I liked who I was starting to see anymore. The girl you knew was strong, but I have rebuilt myself into someone that I am excited to see in the mirror. This girl isn’t stuck in bed anymore, questioning why she is never enough. I’m not enough for the wrong people, and I will gladly accept that. I am happy it didn’t work out, because now I have the wings that were clipped the moment I met you.
This girl devotes herself to her studies and is working towards finishing her degree with honours. I am not blowing off studying to see someone, I am putting my future first. I go to parties and actually have fun, not worrying if I am going to do something that might jeopardize us. I’m going on runs and, although there are times that I am terrified I’ll see you and lose my breath, I don’t think about you too much. I found new songs that don’t make me think of you and I dance around my room, not caring if I look ridiculous. Thank you for allowing me to remember there are more reasons to smile than being called pretty.
I’m not sitting around, anxiously checking my phone waiting for a text. I have guys asking me to dinner and have two dates lined up this week. You are not the last person to know how I taste and feel the warmth of my hand in yours. I have options, I always had them, and I’m not sure why you got so comfortable with my trust.
Once you left, I started replying to guys that were actually trying for my attention. The guys I never gave the time of day to, out of the notion of being a human being with respect for other’s feelings. Plus, I didn’t see any reason as to why I would want their attention when I thought I had yours. Perhaps it will be one of these guys, or someone else down the road, but a guy will come along and want to thank you for making me into the woman I have become. He will want to thank you for not realizing that you had a great thing going with me, that I was one of the good ones.
I am over feeling sorry for myself and trying to come up with reasons as to why I wasn’t enough for you. The truth is, I don’t know what the hell you were thinking. I am more than enough. I am worthy of someone who actually appreciates me. If I go to a bar and one guy doesn’t come talk to me, another one will. I am not going to cry over you when I have guys jumping hurdles just to see me smile.
I hope there are parts of you that would be happy to know that I am okay, that you didn’t hurt me as badly as I thought. I like to think that you did care about me, even just a little bit. If that happens to be false, I still want you to know that I am okay, and soon, I will be better than that. I don’t think each day gets easier without you, I think I’m just getting stronger. So thank you for forcing me to recreate myself into somebody I am so proud to let my soul live in.
Featured image via Debi Flügg